The End

I don't know how many times I've sat down to write this, stared at the screen, and then closed the tab telling myself I'd come back to it another day. But I'm starting a new contract very soon and it doesn't seem right to begin a new adventure without tying off the loose ends of the last one.

The end just happened. Things were frustratingly ordinary the last few days. Equally frustrating was that the musicians would be playing at the party and so a good part of the troupe was busy with rehearsals for the last three days. And seeing as I was slated to make a cake for the party, that took up most of my Saturday. As a result, there was very little time to get in a last cup of tea the people I would miss most.

The second to last show was almost a disaster. And I am incredibly grateful that the near-disaster did not occur the day of the final show. It poured before the show. Rain like I have never seen. The tent has a tendency to leak around the masts, but that night, a giant puddle took up the middle of the stage. There was no way I could safely do my act. There were many backstage huddles, meetings and general "how the heck are we going to deal with this?" moments. In the end, luck was on our side, and though we had to delay a bit, the rain did stop and we were able to wipe up most of the water. There were still some puddles, but with caution and stupidity, I was able to bust out a good act.

And then, the last show...

It was a good show, I can say that. Just before going on stage, we all held hands and I thought to myself "This is the last time all of us will ever be together in the same place..." I am grateful that it didn't zip by in a flash. I felt I was able to appreciate it, savour it. My act went brilliantly. There were moments, here and there, that almost felt magical, but maybe that's just because I was hoping there would be. I think I did my best plongeon of the entire tour on trampo-wall that night. It was a really, really good show.

And then it was over. Just like that. The tear down seemed the same, if not a little more thorough. I kept waiting for some big, climactic moment worthy of the end, but none came. We had a party. We sang and danced together one last time. There were lots of hugs, lots of tears, and then I walked away.

I stepped into the cold, empty big top. A few lights were left on, but mostly it was dark. I wanted one last chance to walk that stage, those wings, to sit in the stands. And then I walked away.

I wanted to feel something. I wanted the Universe to make some kind of grand gesture to mirror the tension in my heart. But nothing happened. The sun rose, I got into a cab, and watched the big yellow tent vanish into the distance one last time.

In my mind, it's still there, set up on Circus Island. I keep thinking that I'm going back. That when I get on a plane in a few days, I will be going to France. That I will see my best friend again. That things will feel safe and familiar.

It always amazes me how in those big Life moments, the seconds pass so quickly that before you can even comprehend what just happened, you're already on the other side of the planet, waking up in your own bed, and entire chapter of your life is over forever.

I had an extremely challenging journey with my company. But it changed me, and I am a stronger, better person for it. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to go back. Right now, everything hurts too much. Perhaps one day. Or perhaps I'll just hold on to that last image on Circus Island...

And Then It Was Over

Sunday marked the final performance of my show, and the end of a five year contract and adventure. I am at a loss for words and the only things I seem to feel are shock, depression, and denial. I had no idea it would be this hard...

I plan to write more in the days to come, but for at the moment, all I seem to be able to do is sit in daze and try not to cry...

The Unravelling

It is finally, really, truly and officially the end of the shows. There will be no extra dates squeezed in. It’s a run of three weekends, and then goodnight. I’m not terribly surprised by the tough market for ticket sales. We were here a couple of years ago plus the just completed run in November. Now, with Christmas approaching, everyone is in town. Soleil, 7 Fingers, C!RCA, and a slew of others. Not to mention that the big white tent 20m away from us is having shows on the same dates at pretty much the same time as us... oops.

With this company, it would seem that the traditional way to end a tour is to have everything go to shit. With the previous show, three acts were missing in the final performances, and one of the musicians had completely thrown out his back and had to play while seated in the wings. This show seems to be following suit.

Upon arrival, A announced that he had hurt his back. We hemmed and hawed about whether or not he would cut anything, but A has always been stubborn about these kinds of things. It went from not doing his straps act, to simply cutting two figures from his acro solo.

The next night, however, I got off stage after my own number to find A waiting for me.

“I’m not doing my straps act tonight. Or trampo-wall.”

Being the clever folks that we are, we didn’t bother to come up with a plan should A decide mid-way through a show that he was too injured to continue. This led to much running around backstage trying to figure out to do technical cues without and transitions with bits of the show missing, as well as the horrible task of completely restructuring the trampo-wall act. It’s bad enough figuring all that stuff out during a meeting. It’s way harder when people are running on an off stage, and back and forth trying to execute their backstage cues.

Meanwhile, on stage, A, D, and myself performed a spectacular three body pile up that would have made the Stooges proud. I’m still not entirely sure what happened, but D fell over me, and then rammed into A, at which point he landed in my line of fire, and I hit him. Flailing and laughing, we finally managed to get into position. I’m sure the sound and lighting guys enjoyed the scene from the booth.

A is going for an MRI this week as it looks like it might be something with one of his disks. I just hope that L’s prediction that everything will “part en couilles” doesn’t go beyond the disaster that was Sunday’s show.

Limping Toward the Finish Line

You know that it has to end at some point, but even still, it comes as a surprise. I auditioned for this company back in 2007, came out for a number of research and creation periods throughout 2008, and as of 2009, began working here full time. In some ways, it feels like it has been forever. For the last year especially, though truthfully longer, I have felt that I need to move on to something else. And now, when suddenly faced with the end, I am overcome with emotion and don’t know how ready I am to leave after all. I suppose that’s normal though. This has been a pretty big chapter of my life as far as career and personal life goes. At any rate, with the end in plain sight, things should be getting wrapped up for a tidy, tear streaked goodbye.

This, of course, is not happening.

I mentioned that the dates had been pushed back by three weeks. I may have even mentioned that the reason for this is that the tent was at 6% capacity as far as ticket sales were concerned. The hope was that by pushing the dates back, more tickets would be sold. And they have been. One week before we’re set to open, we are now, on average, at 20% capacity...

I shouldn’t have to tell you that that’s dreadful. This is a big company. We are a big show. We should be performing to a full house every night. Or at least close to it. This is a company that feels that 500 people is a small crowd and needs to remind us to do a good job anyway, even though the audience is small. I’m not sure 200 tickets will even cover all of our salaries and operational costs.

And even with those uninspiring figures in hand, the company is still optimistic about extending the dates in Paris! The rumours have been confirmed and the idea would be to take the first week off and then do shows the following weekend, and then the weekends after that until Christmas.

Sigh...

This isn’t right. Not only is it not right, it’s ridiculous. We deserve a proper end to this tour. An exact date. This being in limbo has gone on long enough. More than half the troupe is being let go after this. And we all need to know when we can start working somewhere else. People have lives that include other things than the whims of this circus and need to be able to figure out what the hell they’re doing with their lives instead of being on call for two more months. And just the weekends? No one is from Paris. I’m from over 5000km away! Are people expected to twiddle their thumbs in Paris for weeks at a time while they wait to do three shows? Are they expected to keep making the drive back and forth to their homes every week at their own expense? What about those who come from the other side of the country? M and L have to come from super far away and have to hire a nanny for their kids during the shows. Considering what it will cost each of them to get home and back, and then the salary of the nanny, they’re probably going to lose money, not make any money.

And most importantly, this show and the people in it deserve a dignified end. That last hurrah for a full house, not a whimper in front of a couple of hundred people. You need to know when the last show is. You need to. You have to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for that last time on stage doing that act with those people in that tent. At least, I know I do. This extension garbage, finding out a week in advance every time... it’s bullshit. I know the company is in financial difficulties, but at this point, it’s not a couple of extra shows that are going to make the difference.

I, for one, am very curious to see how the first staff meeting is going to go. My guess is that the musicians, who are staying on for the next show, will keep their mouths shut, though they will bitch heartily in private. I believe that the clowns are terrified of being out of work, so I’m guessing they won’t say much. As for the acrobats... well... I’ve already said that I’m not sticking around past the 11^th. M tends to speak his mind, so we’ll see. A talks a good game, but doesn’t always speak up at meetings. But from those I’ve spoken with, it sounds like people are reaching their breaking points.

For now, we’ll just keep hobbling along...