It begins...

Time: Four days.

Challenge: Fit as much chaos, drama, and shit into those four days as possible.

Ready?

Because I sure wasn’t. Between last minute errands, personal life pandemonium and a really bad hair cut, I was just about ready to raise the white flag. I often say that this whole circus thing would have been so much easier if I had started right out of school. I’d have still been in that rhythm, I could have used that momentum to propel me forward and (hopefully) out run my fears.

But that didn’t happen. It took two and half years out of circus school before I found serious work. There were gigs here and there, but not enough. For a long time I was too proud to work as anything but an acrobat. Then I realized that I like to eat. And being able to afford somewhere to live wasn’t half bad either. So I bit my lip and got work in a bakery. I could eat again, but my new job left me no time to train for my actual career.

Why do I mention any of this? I guess if it was me reading this, I’d like a bit of background info. Leaving for France was incredibly difficult. I mean, I love my work. I love the people I work with, and the atmosphere we work in. It’s exactly what I was looking for. And yet the fear… the anxiety… the chaos of dramatic shit…

As I just mentioned, I didn’t ride a wave of glory out of circus school. Instead, I fruitlessly searched for work. I bought appliances (oh, Mix Master! How I will miss you!) and a goldfish. I moved in with my boyfriend and pretty much started a sedentary life when I knew damn well that I wasn’t going to be able to live it. Moreover, I’m one of those spoiled people who’ve lived their whole life in one city and didn’t leave home for school.

So why so much fear and anxiety? Especially since after long last I was achieving my dream? As crazy as it may seem, actually achieving a dream can be absolutely terrifying. What if there’s never another dream after that? What if it turns out I hate the thing I’ve spent so much time and energy pursuing? What if I fail?

In the end, I should find the fear reassuring. It tells me that I have something to lose.