Hey folks,
Kicking Sawdust will be be taking a bit of a break over the next few weeks as I will be off adventuring! If all goes well, I will be in seven countries in the next two weeks. As you can see, I won't have too much time for blogging!
I probably should have written more in Toulouse, but it was depressing as hell there and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But there are some pretty exciting possibilities on the horizon for me, so hopefully I'll have a chance to write about them when I get back to Montreal later in April.
In the meantime, there are a few light posts scheduled to tide over the circus diehards among you.
A plus!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
That Awkward Moment When...
...the director comes backstage after the show and hugs you, but you aren't wearing any pants.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Today is Sunday
A friend of mine once posted this to Facebook:
"Today is Sunday so I went to church."
Amen, brother.
"Today is Sunday so I went to church."
Amen, brother.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
You've Got a Ringmaster
I nice little video explaining how Johnathan Lee Iverson became the first African-American and youngest ringmaster in the history of Ringling Bros. circus.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Trampoline and the X-Games
The following is a very cool article about the evolution of trampo-wall and how some pioneering young bouncers in Quebec City are trying to develop it into a sport. Their sights are set on having it become a part of the X-Games.
I think this is a wonderful idea and I really enjoy Julien Roberge's vision for the sport. The idea is to focus more on innovation than technique, unlike the very strict and rigid rules of competitive trampoline. Not that there's a shortage of exceptional skill. Roberge proposes having three judges, one each for difficulty, style and height, with the style judge giving out the highest number of points.
Be sure to check out the video as there's some really great footage, as well as a chance to see the absolutely stunning Quebec Circus School.
I think this is a wonderful idea and I really enjoy Julien Roberge's vision for the sport. The idea is to focus more on innovation than technique, unlike the very strict and rigid rules of competitive trampoline. Not that there's a shortage of exceptional skill. Roberge proposes having three judges, one each for difficulty, style and height, with the style judge giving out the highest number of points.
Be sure to check out the video as there's some really great footage, as well as a chance to see the absolutely stunning Quebec Circus School.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Shooting in Toulouse
You've undoubtedly heard about the shooting that occurred at a Jewish elementary school in Toulouse. Three children and one adult were killed. It is believed that the same man was responsible for the shooting deaths of three French soldiers as well.
Police have identified a suspect and his apartment is currently under siege.
Why do I mention this on a circus blog?
Not only was I in Toulouse the day of the school shooting, but the apartment and police op in question are all located just down the street from the big top! They are just over a kilometer away!
Between suicide, melting breaker boxes, instruments plummeting off the structure, multiple vehicular incidents, stomach flu, cancelled dates, seriously ailing family members of cast mates, and now a sniper just down the road, this stop in Toulouse is shaping up to be a clusterfuck if epic proportions.
Police have identified a suspect and his apartment is currently under siege.
Why do I mention this on a circus blog?
Not only was I in Toulouse the day of the school shooting, but the apartment and police op in question are all located just down the street from the big top! They are just over a kilometer away!
Between suicide, melting breaker boxes, instruments plummeting off the structure, multiple vehicular incidents, stomach flu, cancelled dates, seriously ailing family members of cast mates, and now a sniper just down the road, this stop in Toulouse is shaping up to be a clusterfuck if epic proportions.
Too Hot to Handle
It was the night before the premiere and we were doing a run through. There was a bit of apprehension regarding just how much electricity the show would require, and just how much was available to us. Just to be safe, they decided to do the run under real show conditions, meaning that the crepe pans and such would be up and running at the bar.
We had about a half hour of the show left to get through when the safety lights suddenly came on and the director came running down the stands yelling "Stop! Stop!"
There seemed to be a problem with the breaker box.
It had melted.
Upon inspection of the smouldering remains, it was discovered that most of the fuses weren't so much actual fuses as random strips of metal.
Oops.
I should probably add that it wasn't our breaker box that melted but the breaker box of the site we are using.
Double oops.
We had managed to get trough most of the show, but D hadn't had a chance to do her act and for her, it was pretty important to have that run. There was about 15 minutes left on the security lights, so if there was a enough light for her, she could do it. The only problem was that without electricity, there would be no sound. We use an electric keyboard and the piano really does hold her music together.
In the end, she ran her act with an acoustic version of the music. Assuming the role of piano, was the accordion.
It was awesome.
Fortunately, the circus had it's own breaker box and we were able to get that in place in time for the premiere. And while that's all well and good, I can't help but feel that the tone that has been set for this run of shows is a little on the worrisome side.
We had about a half hour of the show left to get through when the safety lights suddenly came on and the director came running down the stands yelling "Stop! Stop!"
There seemed to be a problem with the breaker box.
It had melted.
Upon inspection of the smouldering remains, it was discovered that most of the fuses weren't so much actual fuses as random strips of metal.
Oops.
I should probably add that it wasn't our breaker box that melted but the breaker box of the site we are using.
Double oops.
We had managed to get trough most of the show, but D hadn't had a chance to do her act and for her, it was pretty important to have that run. There was about 15 minutes left on the security lights, so if there was a enough light for her, she could do it. The only problem was that without electricity, there would be no sound. We use an electric keyboard and the piano really does hold her music together.
In the end, she ran her act with an acoustic version of the music. Assuming the role of piano, was the accordion.
It was awesome.
Fortunately, the circus had it's own breaker box and we were able to get that in place in time for the premiere. And while that's all well and good, I can't help but feel that the tone that has been set for this run of shows is a little on the worrisome side.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The Last Circus
From the movie website:
"Javier, a Sad Clown, finds work in a circus where he befriends an outlandish cast of characters, including the brutish Happy Clown, Sergio, who humiliates Javier daily in the name of entertainment. It is here that he meets Natalia, a gorgeous acrobat and abused wife of Sergio. Javier falls deeply in love with Natalia and tries to rescue her from her cruel and violent husband, unleashing Sergio’s jealousy. With neither man willing to back down, this twisted love triangle evolves into a ferocious battle between Sad Clown and Happy Clown, escalating to unbelievable heights in this shocking, irreverent and unforgettable film."
Apparently, the opening scene, set near the end of the Spanish Civil war, consists of soldiers interrupting a children's show and forcibly enlisting the man playing the Happy Clown. Next up is the extremely disturbing sight of a clown in drag mowing Franco soldiers down with a machete.
I've never been coulrophobic (afraid of clowns), but based on the trailer of this film, I think I could become so.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Kicking Sawdust: Now a Painting
So I was wandering around the internet and I discovered that there is a circus themed painting with the same title as this blog. Can blog's have an official work of art, or a painter laureate or something? If so, I guess I've found mine. I can't make out the signature on the bottom and the site selling the original work failed to mention the name of the artist.
This 16" x 24" oil painting can be yours for the low, low price of $450.00! And if that's too much, there's always the option to get the print on paper for the random price of $76.80.
This 16" x 24" oil painting can be yours for the low, low price of $450.00! And if that's too much, there's always the option to get the print on paper for the random price of $76.80.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
The Moments We Said Goodbye
Tonight we premiered in Toulouse.
Two weeks ago today, R took his life.
It has been a curious past couple of days. I thought it would be much harder, but it would seem that most people have been keeping their grief to themselves, though there were many ashen faces around the circus today. Before the show begun, we all held hands for what felt like ages, and then suddenly, the circle broke and the show began.
B thought it would be too hard to play his music, but she said it turned out to be a comfort.
A was near tears after the show, frustrated that the end of his act was botched due to confusion in the music. Honouring R's music seemed the best way to pay his respects, and he felt that he had failed.
When the show was finally finished, L made a beeline for the exit. He plays the final piece of music in the show, a moment he would normally share with R. He performed that piece of music at the funeral. That's too much for anyone to bear.
I'll never forget a moment I shared with the technical director the night before. He had been R's friend for over 30 years and helped make a lot of the final arrangements. He just got back from a trip to India and saw cremation ceremonies on the banks of the Ganges river. He said that when the body was reduced to ashes, a family member would take them, turn their back to the river, throw the ashes over their shoulder, and walk away without looking back.
He said that that's what we need to do. R may have chosen for his path to end, but ours keeps going.
The show must go on.
Two weeks ago today, R took his life.
It has been a curious past couple of days. I thought it would be much harder, but it would seem that most people have been keeping their grief to themselves, though there were many ashen faces around the circus today. Before the show begun, we all held hands for what felt like ages, and then suddenly, the circle broke and the show began.
B thought it would be too hard to play his music, but she said it turned out to be a comfort.
A was near tears after the show, frustrated that the end of his act was botched due to confusion in the music. Honouring R's music seemed the best way to pay his respects, and he felt that he had failed.
When the show was finally finished, L made a beeline for the exit. He plays the final piece of music in the show, a moment he would normally share with R. He performed that piece of music at the funeral. That's too much for anyone to bear.
I'll never forget a moment I shared with the technical director the night before. He had been R's friend for over 30 years and helped make a lot of the final arrangements. He just got back from a trip to India and saw cremation ceremonies on the banks of the Ganges river. He said that when the body was reduced to ashes, a family member would take them, turn their back to the river, throw the ashes over their shoulder, and walk away without looking back.
He said that that's what we need to do. R may have chosen for his path to end, but ours keeps going.
The show must go on.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
To Be a Great Clown
The following clip is an excerpt from the film Always Leave Them Laughing. The film is about a young comic who plays second-rate nightclubs and chintzy resorts while struggling to break into the big time. In the following scene Eddie Eagen (Bert Lahr) tells Kip Cooper (Milton Berle) what makes a great clown.
I am by no means an expert on clown, but what Eddie says is bang on. It's not just the jokes. The good stuff starts at 1m39s.
I am by no means an expert on clown, but what Eddie says is bang on. It's not just the jokes. The good stuff starts at 1m39s.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Circus, Women, and Family
This is a very challenging post for me to write. I am at an age where I'm expected to start thinking of settling down and having kids. While establishing a home base that isn't a suitcase is definitely a thought that flits through my head often enough, having children is not.
So why do I feel so compelled to write about this? Because of a certain act of injustice that has left me extremely angry. I mentioned in an earlier post that there were quite a few babies born in the troupe over the last 12 months. While six babies were born, only one of the mothers happens to be an acrobat. Otherwise, the new moms are all the wives of people in the show, but not in the show themselves.
When L got pregnant, they needed to hire two people to replace her. When she went on maternity leave, she made it very clear that she would be coming back, and that the trampoline act she created was hers and that she was letting them keep it in the show for the sake of the story.
When L started discussing coming back on tour, the director seemed lukewarm to the idea at best.
"Oh... but I really like that bit we added with O..."
Yeah, as awesome as those 30 seconds are, we are talking about a person's job and livelihood.
She continued pushing the point, trying to get an idea of when she could come back. First there was the story of that 30 second moment. Then how her coming back would somehow complicate things at the office. Finally, the director sent her an e-mail saying that the person replacing her on trampoline had a better energy than she did, brought more to the show, and that they would be keeping him. If she wanted, she could come back for hand to hand and that's it.
She has been with the company for eight years and has done six different acts in five disciplines. In this show, she does three acts and just had two taken away from her. What would have happened if they had managed to replace her with only one person? Would she be allowed back at all?
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that when you go on maternity leave, you're not only entitled to getting your job back, but to getting the same job back. Not just a third of it.
Worth mentioning: When L was trying to get pregnant and they were looking for replacements for her, the director had a conversation with the costume woman about B, a potential replacement for L. It went a little something like this "Yes, you can tell that she's had children. It really makes a huge difference on stage. She just seems so much more mature and womanly. Yes, you can really tell she's had children."
So... first L wasn't good enough because she wasn't a mother, and now that she has children, you realize that it wasn't so much the whole children/no children thing that was an issue as her not being a hot Brazilian man? Gotcha.
It gets worse.
The future of the show isn't even remotely clear at the moment, but there's a chance we will be performing in Paris in the fall. That's kind of a big deal. L now fears that some producer is going to see O performing her act and want to hire him for it. Not only is this new mother getting screwed over by her long time employer, but she's now at risk of losing future employment because someone else is getting credit for her work! This tour is almost over, having new work possibilities is pretty crucial. And from what I've heard, O hasn't exactly shied away from using other people's material in the past when it proved profitable.
So what can she do? The company doesn't feel they are doing anything wrong. They pull out bullshit logic like, "Oh... well, Paris wasn't part of the original contract so it doesn't apply to your maternity leave."
Newsflash: we never signed a contract (there's a reason for this, but I won't get into all that here). At most, it was said the that the tour would probably go on until June 2012. And if you look at the DVD release of this show, it states that the tour was from 2009 to 2013...
I feel like she needs to file a complaint. Her partner, who is also in the show, feels the same way. But I can understand her hesitation. She's afraid that if she rocks the boat, she won't be taken back at all. She has two new babies at home and the family needs the income.
I will never forget what a colleague said when one of my peers was about to become a parent: "It's easier for the guys. They can go off on tour right away and it doesn't matter. The baby needs their mother, they need her milk. It's so much easier for the guys..." In that case, the dad was the acrobat and the mum just followed him around on tour.
I know that it's hard for the men in the troupe to be away from their families. But at least there was never a question of whether or not they'd be allowed to have their jobs back once the baby was born.
I know many other woman in circus who have had children and continue to tour and perform. I have no idea how they do it, but I admire and respect them for it. Personally, I can't help but think it would be the end of my career.
I am disgusted by the actions of my company. By their own logic (so and so brings more to the show), there are a couple of musicians who should be let go because when their replacements perform, not only do they bring a much better energy to the show, but they also play their instruments a hell of a lot better. Oh wait... they're Associates. Never mind...
Balancing motherhood and a career is challenging enough for most women, and frankly, I'm not sure just how much has been done to facilitate it. But for the modern female acrobat? I can't even wrap my head around it. And the attitude of my company, the idea of that having a child could be a fatal blow to your career...
I would have liked for this to be a reflective, measured post on women in circus and the effect that motherhood has on that role. But I am not a mother, only a witness to an acrobat's struggle with motherhood and returning to work. As a woman and her friend, I can't get beyond the anger, frustration, and inability to understand how this is even an issue today.
If you're a woman in the circus and have had a child, I would love to hear about your experiences.
So why do I feel so compelled to write about this? Because of a certain act of injustice that has left me extremely angry. I mentioned in an earlier post that there were quite a few babies born in the troupe over the last 12 months. While six babies were born, only one of the mothers happens to be an acrobat. Otherwise, the new moms are all the wives of people in the show, but not in the show themselves.
When L got pregnant, they needed to hire two people to replace her. When she went on maternity leave, she made it very clear that she would be coming back, and that the trampoline act she created was hers and that she was letting them keep it in the show for the sake of the story.
When L started discussing coming back on tour, the director seemed lukewarm to the idea at best.
"Oh... but I really like that bit we added with O..."
Yeah, as awesome as those 30 seconds are, we are talking about a person's job and livelihood.
She continued pushing the point, trying to get an idea of when she could come back. First there was the story of that 30 second moment. Then how her coming back would somehow complicate things at the office. Finally, the director sent her an e-mail saying that the person replacing her on trampoline had a better energy than she did, brought more to the show, and that they would be keeping him. If she wanted, she could come back for hand to hand and that's it.
She has been with the company for eight years and has done six different acts in five disciplines. In this show, she does three acts and just had two taken away from her. What would have happened if they had managed to replace her with only one person? Would she be allowed back at all?
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that when you go on maternity leave, you're not only entitled to getting your job back, but to getting the same job back. Not just a third of it.
Worth mentioning: When L was trying to get pregnant and they were looking for replacements for her, the director had a conversation with the costume woman about B, a potential replacement for L. It went a little something like this "Yes, you can tell that she's had children. It really makes a huge difference on stage. She just seems so much more mature and womanly. Yes, you can really tell she's had children."
So... first L wasn't good enough because she wasn't a mother, and now that she has children, you realize that it wasn't so much the whole children/no children thing that was an issue as her not being a hot Brazilian man? Gotcha.
It gets worse.
The future of the show isn't even remotely clear at the moment, but there's a chance we will be performing in Paris in the fall. That's kind of a big deal. L now fears that some producer is going to see O performing her act and want to hire him for it. Not only is this new mother getting screwed over by her long time employer, but she's now at risk of losing future employment because someone else is getting credit for her work! This tour is almost over, having new work possibilities is pretty crucial. And from what I've heard, O hasn't exactly shied away from using other people's material in the past when it proved profitable.
So what can she do? The company doesn't feel they are doing anything wrong. They pull out bullshit logic like, "Oh... well, Paris wasn't part of the original contract so it doesn't apply to your maternity leave."
Newsflash: we never signed a contract (there's a reason for this, but I won't get into all that here). At most, it was said the that the tour would probably go on until June 2012. And if you look at the DVD release of this show, it states that the tour was from 2009 to 2013...
I feel like she needs to file a complaint. Her partner, who is also in the show, feels the same way. But I can understand her hesitation. She's afraid that if she rocks the boat, she won't be taken back at all. She has two new babies at home and the family needs the income.
I will never forget what a colleague said when one of my peers was about to become a parent: "It's easier for the guys. They can go off on tour right away and it doesn't matter. The baby needs their mother, they need her milk. It's so much easier for the guys..." In that case, the dad was the acrobat and the mum just followed him around on tour.
I know that it's hard for the men in the troupe to be away from their families. But at least there was never a question of whether or not they'd be allowed to have their jobs back once the baby was born.
I know many other woman in circus who have had children and continue to tour and perform. I have no idea how they do it, but I admire and respect them for it. Personally, I can't help but think it would be the end of my career.
I am disgusted by the actions of my company. By their own logic (so and so brings more to the show), there are a couple of musicians who should be let go because when their replacements perform, not only do they bring a much better energy to the show, but they also play their instruments a hell of a lot better. Oh wait... they're Associates. Never mind...
Balancing motherhood and a career is challenging enough for most women, and frankly, I'm not sure just how much has been done to facilitate it. But for the modern female acrobat? I can't even wrap my head around it. And the attitude of my company, the idea of that having a child could be a fatal blow to your career...
I would have liked for this to be a reflective, measured post on women in circus and the effect that motherhood has on that role. But I am not a mother, only a witness to an acrobat's struggle with motherhood and returning to work. As a woman and her friend, I can't get beyond the anger, frustration, and inability to understand how this is even an issue today.
If you're a woman in the circus and have had a child, I would love to hear about your experiences.
Calm Before the Storm?
After 18 hours door to door, I arrived back at the circus. I fully expected the worst. When I got to the tent everything was... fine. People were mostly smiling. There was very little mention of the recent death in the troupe, and if so, only in private. There have been very few tears.
But I can't help but think it's the calm before the storm. The past two days, everyone has stayed together. I don't think I've ever seen the kitchen so packed, and certainly not for such a long time. It's like nobody wants to be alone. It feels like by sticking together and talking about other things, we can put off the moment when reality hits. The amount of booze on site supports that hypothesis.
Tomorrow we have a meeting and will begin rehearsing in earnest. Clearly, I have no idea what's going on. But I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But I can't help but think it's the calm before the storm. The past two days, everyone has stayed together. I don't think I've ever seen the kitchen so packed, and certainly not for such a long time. It's like nobody wants to be alone. It feels like by sticking together and talking about other things, we can put off the moment when reality hits. The amount of booze on site supports that hypothesis.
Tomorrow we have a meeting and will begin rehearsing in earnest. Clearly, I have no idea what's going on. But I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Facing the Music
My flight leaves in five and a half hours. I don't want to go, and unless having a trapeze in a suitcase counts, I am not even remotely packed. Part of me hopes that this is one of those times where the build up in my head is far worse than what is actually waiting for me. But I know that that's not the case. The loss of a past company member suffered by a fraction of the troupe in November hit all of us, even those who didn't know him, incredibly hard. I can't help but feel that the loss of a current artist, who was also the composer and a founding member of the company, will bury us all.
I also have battles of my own to face. There is no doubt that the four years I have spent with this company has made me grow considerably. But the amount of suffering I have had to endure in order to achieve that growth is a little on the excessive side. I sure as hell didn't expect any of this when I signed on. And I know that it ain't over yet.
If you have any good thoughts or positive energy to share, the troupe and I would be much obliged.
I also have battles of my own to face. There is no doubt that the four years I have spent with this company has made me grow considerably. But the amount of suffering I have had to endure in order to achieve that growth is a little on the excessive side. I sure as hell didn't expect any of this when I signed on. And I know that it ain't over yet.
If you have any good thoughts or positive energy to share, the troupe and I would be much obliged.
Behind the Scenes at CDS
The following is a really fascinating video showcasing the work that goes on behind the scenes at Cirque du Soleil when it comes to integrating new artists and getting them show ready. On a fun side note, the smallness of the circus world never ceases to amaze me. In this video I saw at least three former classmates, my German wheel coach, and one of my first gymnastics coaches EVER. Quel vie de cirque indeed!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Women in Circus for International Women's Day
The role of women in circus is, for me, a source of pride. Long before society began to see women as equals, and long before the idea of women being equals was even a thing, women had a place in the circus. Female circus performers date back to the earliest days of modern circus. In 1772, an early circus performance at Philip Astley's Riding School in London featured two equestriennes. In 1772!
By the end of the 19th century, American circus was entering its Golden Age. Women had a role in the circus, and unlike female performers in other artistic fields like theatre, they were respected and considered respectable. Successful, strong, and talented, the female circus artist was a role model for progressive urban women. The female circus star was proof that a woman could outshine a man.
So today, let us honour the strength, grace, and physical prowess of women of circus past.
More after the jump.
By the end of the 19th century, American circus was entering its Golden Age. Women had a role in the circus, and unlike female performers in other artistic fields like theatre, they were respected and considered respectable. Successful, strong, and talented, the female circus artist was a role model for progressive urban women. The female circus star was proof that a woman could outshine a man.
So today, let us honour the strength, grace, and physical prowess of women of circus past.
Unknown
More after the jump.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Beginning the Phases of Grief
The troupe has suffered a terrible loss. The funeral was held today and as I'm very much on the other side of the ocean, I was unable to attend. When I opened my e-mail this morning, my inbox was flooded. Every single message was a message of condolence, or a link to a newspaper article, a poem in memory of... And I can't take it.
I've been here sitting in denial, far removed from the painful scene in France. I'll be thrust into it on Sunday and needless to say, I'm not looking forward to it.
Right now, I think I'm in denial. Maybe that's why I can't bear to look at all those messages and images. Of course I was shocked by the news, but I guess I took it like he was just leaving the show. That he was still somewhere, just somewhere where I wouldn't see him again. Now it feels more like he's just pulling the same stupid shit he always pulled. The show started but he was asleep in his caravan, or he left his phone on backstage during a show...
Little by little I'm realizing that isn't the case. When we get to Toulouse, someone will have to clean out his trunk. I can't imagine what B, the alternate for the role played by my departed cast mate, must be feeling. To know that he'll no longer be filling in from time to time, but taking over completely. To go on stage in the dead man's costume...
And D... for me she has the least enviable task of all. The show is about art and representation. We all had exceptionally realistic masks of ourselves made for the show. She wears his mask. It's waiting for her in her trunk. That thought chills me to the bone and leaves me haunted by the idea of death masks.
I know it will be good for us all to grieve collectively. But I had such a terrible relationship with this man. I have no good memories of him. And the few that I have from the very beginning, before things spiraled out of control, they're all tainted by what came next.
I'm afraid that when I land back among the troupe, my grief won't be enough for them and that I'll come off as some horrible bitch. To fake anything more than I'm feeling would be heartless and disrespectful. But I know that everyone talks about everyone else, and I can't help but feel that certain people among those who are suffering this loss the hardest will need something or someone to take out their anger on. Our mutual dislike was no secret. And maybe my paranoia stems from guilt, but I can see how I would make an excellent Whipping Boy.
Or maybe what I'm most afraid of is discovering that I do have genuine grief, that those good memories of the friend I once had are still there somewhere, and that all the anger and resentment that I've had bottled up for the past three years will finally give way to forgiveness.
I've been here sitting in denial, far removed from the painful scene in France. I'll be thrust into it on Sunday and needless to say, I'm not looking forward to it.
Right now, I think I'm in denial. Maybe that's why I can't bear to look at all those messages and images. Of course I was shocked by the news, but I guess I took it like he was just leaving the show. That he was still somewhere, just somewhere where I wouldn't see him again. Now it feels more like he's just pulling the same stupid shit he always pulled. The show started but he was asleep in his caravan, or he left his phone on backstage during a show...
Little by little I'm realizing that isn't the case. When we get to Toulouse, someone will have to clean out his trunk. I can't imagine what B, the alternate for the role played by my departed cast mate, must be feeling. To know that he'll no longer be filling in from time to time, but taking over completely. To go on stage in the dead man's costume...
And D... for me she has the least enviable task of all. The show is about art and representation. We all had exceptionally realistic masks of ourselves made for the show. She wears his mask. It's waiting for her in her trunk. That thought chills me to the bone and leaves me haunted by the idea of death masks.
I know it will be good for us all to grieve collectively. But I had such a terrible relationship with this man. I have no good memories of him. And the few that I have from the very beginning, before things spiraled out of control, they're all tainted by what came next.
I'm afraid that when I land back among the troupe, my grief won't be enough for them and that I'll come off as some horrible bitch. To fake anything more than I'm feeling would be heartless and disrespectful. But I know that everyone talks about everyone else, and I can't help but feel that certain people among those who are suffering this loss the hardest will need something or someone to take out their anger on. Our mutual dislike was no secret. And maybe my paranoia stems from guilt, but I can see how I would make an excellent Whipping Boy.
Or maybe what I'm most afraid of is discovering that I do have genuine grief, that those good memories of the friend I once had are still there somewhere, and that all the anger and resentment that I've had bottled up for the past three years will finally give way to forgiveness.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The Butterfly Circus
This post was scheduled for much later in the month, but in light of recent events, it seems a more fitting transition back into the regular content.
Got 20 minutes to spare? Might I suggest you take a moment to enjoy this short film about hope and triumphing over adversity in the age of the Great Depression, all through the wonder of circus?
Word on the street is that this film by Joshua and Rebekah Weigel has been so successful that plans are in the works to expand it into a full length feature. Let's hope so!
The Butterfly Circus - HD from The Butterfly Circus on Vimeo.
Got 20 minutes to spare? Might I suggest you take a moment to enjoy this short film about hope and triumphing over adversity in the age of the Great Depression, all through the wonder of circus?
Word on the street is that this film by Joshua and Rebekah Weigel has been so successful that plans are in the works to expand it into a full length feature. Let's hope so!
The Butterfly Circus - HD from The Butterfly Circus on Vimeo.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
The Mourning After
Since the news of my cast mate's death broke, messages have been pouring in. This morning my inbox consisted solely of the condolences that have been sent to the office and then forwarded to us. My Facebook feed is inundated with photos of the man who left us. My feelings of numbness have been slapped awake and I now see that a lot of what I was feeling, am feeling, is denial.
It's like he went on vacation, or retired. There are such big gaps in the tour where we don't all see each other. It's just like that, right?
Of course it's not like that. When I really stop and think that I will never see this person again, I just can't believe it. Whatever differences we had, no one wants this. I only hope that after such a troubled and turbulent life, he has found peace.
I know it will be good for the troupe to get together and grieve next week, but I'm not going to lie. I don't know that I can bear it.
It's like he went on vacation, or retired. There are such big gaps in the tour where we don't all see each other. It's just like that, right?
Of course it's not like that. When I really stop and think that I will never see this person again, I just can't believe it. Whatever differences we had, no one wants this. I only hope that after such a troubled and turbulent life, he has found peace.
I know it will be good for the troupe to get together and grieve next week, but I'm not going to lie. I don't know that I can bear it.
Death in the Family
Yesterday I learned that a member of the troupe has died. He took his own life.
As you can imagine, this news has left us all reeling. It's difficult to find words. And unlike the last time there was a loss in the troupe, we are not all together. The tour doesn't start again for a week and a half. While my colleagues are all in France, I'm on the other side of the ocean. For me, this event exists as a phone call and an e-mail that broke the news in the subject line.
I don't know how I feel. I can't even wrap my head around it. It doesn't seem real.
For a short time, in the very beginning, we were close. But he was very troubled and that relationship quickly became toxic and spiraled out of control. A considerable amount of the drama and unhappiness I have experienced during my time with the company revolved around him. My last exchange with him was hostile. I had made the decision not to allow this person space in my life anymore, but he continued to push. He made a remark, my response was barely audible, and he, thinking I hadn't replied, lost it.
I have been doing a lot of work on myself the past few months. One of the biggest obstacles that has faced me is that relationship. The past few days, I had been thinking about him a lot. As it turns out, the day he was most on my mind was the day he died.
I would like to say that I decided to rise above and was ready to forgive him. I would like to say that, but I can't. As much as I know that I need to forgive in order to be free, I still feel so angry, so hurt, and so betrayed. To be completely honest, I didn't feel like he deserved my forgiveness. And I know that's terrible, and I know that forgiving him would mean forgiving myself, and still, I couldn't see how I could do it.
I still can't. Only now I'll never be able to make amends.
Being so far away, it really doesn't seem real. I feel shaken and confused... I feel like I should hurt more. But really, I just feel numb and I hurt for those he left behind.
He was a part of that circus family for over 30 years. And considering the role he played and the way that role shaped the troupe, I really don't know how the company will ever recover. I guess I'll find out in a week and a half.
*** I have a number of posts per-scheduled and in light of current events, I can't help but feel that posts about silly stuff might seem insensitive. But long before he started on his downward spiral, he did have a love of the absurd. I think that, for the time being, the best tribute I can make in his memory is to keep the silliness coming.
As you can imagine, this news has left us all reeling. It's difficult to find words. And unlike the last time there was a loss in the troupe, we are not all together. The tour doesn't start again for a week and a half. While my colleagues are all in France, I'm on the other side of the ocean. For me, this event exists as a phone call and an e-mail that broke the news in the subject line.
I don't know how I feel. I can't even wrap my head around it. It doesn't seem real.
For a short time, in the very beginning, we were close. But he was very troubled and that relationship quickly became toxic and spiraled out of control. A considerable amount of the drama and unhappiness I have experienced during my time with the company revolved around him. My last exchange with him was hostile. I had made the decision not to allow this person space in my life anymore, but he continued to push. He made a remark, my response was barely audible, and he, thinking I hadn't replied, lost it.
I have been doing a lot of work on myself the past few months. One of the biggest obstacles that has faced me is that relationship. The past few days, I had been thinking about him a lot. As it turns out, the day he was most on my mind was the day he died.
I would like to say that I decided to rise above and was ready to forgive him. I would like to say that, but I can't. As much as I know that I need to forgive in order to be free, I still feel so angry, so hurt, and so betrayed. To be completely honest, I didn't feel like he deserved my forgiveness. And I know that's terrible, and I know that forgiving him would mean forgiving myself, and still, I couldn't see how I could do it.
I still can't. Only now I'll never be able to make amends.
Being so far away, it really doesn't seem real. I feel shaken and confused... I feel like I should hurt more. But really, I just feel numb and I hurt for those he left behind.
He was a part of that circus family for over 30 years. And considering the role he played and the way that role shaped the troupe, I really don't know how the company will ever recover. I guess I'll find out in a week and a half.
*** I have a number of posts per-scheduled and in light of current events, I can't help but feel that posts about silly stuff might seem insensitive. But long before he started on his downward spiral, he did have a love of the absurd. I think that, for the time being, the best tribute I can make in his memory is to keep the silliness coming.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Gifs! Gifs! Glorious Gifs!
Have you ever been sitting in front of your computer and thought "You know what would be awesome? A site devoted entirely to animated gifs of elite level gymnastics!"
If you're like me, the answer is no. But now that I've stumbled upon a site consisting of just that, I can't help but wonder why not.
The tumblr in question focuses mainly on American gymnasts, but badass gymnastics is badass gymnastics. So go treat yourself to some infinite loops of awesomeness over at Gymnastic Gifs.
If you're like me, the answer is no. But now that I've stumbled upon a site consisting of just that, I can't help but wonder why not.
The tumblr in question focuses mainly on American gymnasts, but badass gymnastics is badass gymnastics. So go treat yourself to some infinite loops of awesomeness over at Gymnastic Gifs.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
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