The First Run

After months of research and creation, fine tuning, chopping and rehashing, we finally did a complete run through of the show. I believe the first comment the director gave afterwards was, “Some moments are really magical. Some moments really aren’t.”

It was hard. It was long. It was exhausting. I suppose the first sign of trouble was when we started an hour and a half later than we were supposed to. Not having time to warm up is one thing, warming up and having a half hour delay, then another, then another is an entirely different difficulty. It’s draining to remain present, and hard on the body to stay warm in inactivity.

Not ten minutes in, there was a huge technical mishap when couscous started falling from the ceiling. I’ll let you do what you will with that image as I don’t think I could do it justice.

Then there were the half dozen or so people (myself included) who wiped out on a poorly placed accessory because for some reason, the lighting designer keeps forgetting to put lights on backstage. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to set up a trampoline in the dark, but it isn’t as easy as you might think.

Of course, for me, the wheel was the deal breaker. It’s no secret that I’ve been having a considerable amount of difficulty with my number and my place in the show. The way my act is going, I am filled with dread up until the moment I do it, and then after wards, I dread the feedback. My number did not go well in this run. Entering the space, I was disoriented. That confusion and uncertainty dragged me down. It was plastic, I messed up a lot of the technique and once again, the musicians had to extend the music…

It was terrible. The worst one yet. And it wasn’t that the number was bad that bothered me. What left me discouraged and unhappy was the thought of what the director would have to say later. And I really let that feeling drag me down. It was not a joyful run of the show.

I know I can do my act well. I know I can. And while I keep telling the director it will come, it isn’t. I feel like I’m failing my art.

Some positive points on the run: we were under two hours. I am told that them first run of the previous show was between three and four hours long. Um… I remembered to do most of my manipulations.

What can I say? It was exhausting and discouraging. We stayed in the Chapiteau giving notes until close to midnight. When we got to my number I flat out said I couldn’t comment, that I was too tired, and had nothing to give. I knew that if I had to talk about it, I would just get angry. That would have served no purpose and would have been unfair to the troupe.

The director wanted to start at 9:00 am the next morning. There was no way. I didn’t even shower at the end of the day. Eat. Bed. Back to the drawing board…

The first day

Ah, the first day of creation! Everyone is here, the circus is in full swing, and the energy is running wild! That last sentence can be interpreted in a couple of ways. You can either go the “There are a lot of people who need heat and water, there are a million things going on at once, and there is an underlying tension that, while subtle, is perfectly tangible” or, “Oh, how I’ve missed everyone! We’re finally starting! Let’s make a show!!”

I’d say I lie somewhere in the middle. I believe they call it cautious optimism.

I don’t want to give the wrong idea. I’m actually really excited to be here, and I am very happy to see everyone, and yes, I do want to make one helluva show. But then, I still can’t believe that I’m actually here, that this is really happening, and that I’m going on tour with a major company for the next four years.

I’ve never been a part of such an intense creation before. And certainly not a three-month creation. Although in truth, it’s been closer to five months, what with the various research periods. I have no doubt that the show will be excellent. Some of the stuff we’ve come up with is really beautiful. But when I think of how far we’ve come and how far we’ve yet to go, I can’t help but imagine one of those paintings where there’s a path that goes over the horizon with no visible end in sight. It just seems like such a huge undertaking to make something out of nothing, to take something abstract and transform it into reality. With my inexperience nipping at my heels, the whole undertaking is somewhat daunting.

That’s when I remind myself that I’m not in it alone, that there is an entire group of experienced artists working with me, and that its only the first day.