The In-Between

Back in my days as a camp counselor, I used to love the in-between times. Specifically, the time between sessions. That's when I could really take in what was around me, spend time with my fellow staff members, drink tea and reflect. It was that kind of camp. I especially loved rainy weekends on the back porch behind Canary Cottage, mug of tea in hand, water dripping off the trees and onto the roof. Those were cherished moments of peace and perfection.

With the circus, it's different. During shows, I'm still trying to figure out how to manage my days. How much can I go out, how much time can I spend in the sun, at what time should I eat so that I have enough energy but don't feel weighed down? And during a run, just how much can I do on my day off? I want to go out and do things, but I know my body needs rest. The clowns went and biked 80km on one of our days off. They saw beautiful things and got horrendous sunburns... Clowns may not have the same physical demands as an acrobat, but the job of a clown is very demanding physically and certainly emotionally. I don't know how they did it.

I'm sure I'll find the answers to these questions once the show runs longer. But in the meantime, I feel like I'm not exactly using my time as well as I should.

But the hardest thing for me right now is in-between cities. With this circus, we never move to the next town immediately after finishing in the town we're in. We usually have a week off, sometimes more. I find these periods very stressful and I tend to get kind of down. I think a lot of that has to do with not actually having a home anywhere in France and scrambling to find somewhere to stay, something to do.

More than anything, I feel lonely. I don't have a home here yet, and my friends are the people I work with. In between work, I squat in the apartments of of acquaintances and friends working in Europe. So strange, this circus life. How do you find the balance between the traditionally nomadic reality of circus life, and the more sedentary-except-when-on-tour reality of contemporary circus life?