Its no secret I've been in a bit of a slump lately. Worse, its the kind of slump that I can't name the cause of, and even less so find the cure. So what's a girl to do? The obvious answer, of course, is to play hooky.
You might be wondering how to get away with playing hooky when there are only twelve other artists in the show. You can't. But sometimes the Universe throws a bone and makes it possible.
Yesterday, I was not at all implicated in what we were rehearsing in the morning. I was told I could go work on other things. Initially, I was going to stay in the Chapiteau and work. I then decided not to freeze my butt off and instead go hang out in my nice, cozy caravan with with a steaming cup of tea.
One thing I have been aching for since I got here is quiet time alone to focus on my own things, without feeling pressured by time. We train until 8:00 or 9:00 every night and by the time dinner is done and showers are had, there’s not much of the night left for decompressing if I want to go to bed at a time that will allow me to function the next day.
Considering the shitty day I had yesterday the timing of this unlikely morning couldn’t be better. I’ve spent the last hour and a half working on some personal projects of mine and have accomplished about as much as I can accomplish in a caravan.
What will I do with the remaining hour or so before lunch?
If you guess loafing, you win!
Quel vie de cirque, indeed…
Friday, February 20, 2009
Five, six, seven, eight...
One of the great things about my circus is that we have musicians on stage with us. Not only that, but we have music composed for us. Not only THAT, but the artists have quite a lot of say when it comes to the music we’ll be performing to.
Originally, I was going to have some nice, soft, pretty music. Then, after an impromptu jam session during my training time, the musicians and I conspired to have some full on rock music. After the first official look at my number, our plans have proved successful. More so than we could possibly have imagined…
I haven’t heard the finished piece. I’ve worked with improvised bits, but that’s about it. The musicians have been holed up in their little music cave, working away while the base line reverberates through the Chapiteau.
I’m incredibly excited because the music is dark, sexy, violent and intense. I’ve never worked to music like this before. I’ve always been either little and cute, or pretty and melancholy. For once, I get to play the hot, bad ass.
The musicians are incredibly excited because, from what they’ve told me so far, the music really rips, they really let loose, they (the company) has never had music like this before, and its just a killer piece of music.
All I need now is a copy...
Originally, I was going to have some nice, soft, pretty music. Then, after an impromptu jam session during my training time, the musicians and I conspired to have some full on rock music. After the first official look at my number, our plans have proved successful. More so than we could possibly have imagined…
I haven’t heard the finished piece. I’ve worked with improvised bits, but that’s about it. The musicians have been holed up in their little music cave, working away while the base line reverberates through the Chapiteau.
I’m incredibly excited because the music is dark, sexy, violent and intense. I’ve never worked to music like this before. I’ve always been either little and cute, or pretty and melancholy. For once, I get to play the hot, bad ass.
The musicians are incredibly excited because, from what they’ve told me so far, the music really rips, they really let loose, they (the company) has never had music like this before, and its just a killer piece of music.
All I need now is a copy...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Reality Check
I’m not sure what it is, but I was feeling a little down when the week started and it just seems to be escalating. Circus has a particular blend of anxiety, fear and doubt unlike that found anywhere else.
Oh sure, there’s the whole ‘I just left my home, family, lover, and everything I’ve ever known thousands of kilometers away’ burden to bear. That, on it’s own, is pretty standard. But if you combine it with the stress of mastering new skills on a new apparatus, meeting your own ridiculously high standards, feeling like you’re not good enough (or at all), and the overall fight to find your place in the show, you get a pretty noxious emotional cocktail.
The worst part is that I have no idea how to get out of it. I have ‘tools’ to work through creative blocks and creative doubt, but mostly I feel like I’m blanketed by an overall sense of malaise and have no idea how I can even begin to deconstruct it.
I want to be alone
I want to be with people.
I want to forget.
I want to remember.
I want to go home.
Shit.
This is home now...
I titled this post ‘Reality Check’ for a reason. My first thought being that the reality of my situation, starting this new life and leaving home, has finally hit. Almost immediately afterward I was struck by a considerably more relevant reality check. That these things that are eating away at my happiness are mostly things I can control. They’re parasites that have plagued me since high school… waning confidence, doubt, timidity… even I describe my standards as ridiculous!
So, yeah, the reality is that things aren’t really as bad as they seem. I just need to figure out how to get over the part where things do, in fact, seem bad. Quel vie de cirque…
Oh sure, there’s the whole ‘I just left my home, family, lover, and everything I’ve ever known thousands of kilometers away’ burden to bear. That, on it’s own, is pretty standard. But if you combine it with the stress of mastering new skills on a new apparatus, meeting your own ridiculously high standards, feeling like you’re not good enough (or at all), and the overall fight to find your place in the show, you get a pretty noxious emotional cocktail.
The worst part is that I have no idea how to get out of it. I have ‘tools’ to work through creative blocks and creative doubt, but mostly I feel like I’m blanketed by an overall sense of malaise and have no idea how I can even begin to deconstruct it.
I want to be alone
I want to be with people.
I want to forget.
I want to remember.
I want to go home.
Shit.
This is home now...
I titled this post ‘Reality Check’ for a reason. My first thought being that the reality of my situation, starting this new life and leaving home, has finally hit. Almost immediately afterward I was struck by a considerably more relevant reality check. That these things that are eating away at my happiness are mostly things I can control. They’re parasites that have plagued me since high school… waning confidence, doubt, timidity… even I describe my standards as ridiculous!
So, yeah, the reality is that things aren’t really as bad as they seem. I just need to figure out how to get over the part where things do, in fact, seem bad. Quel vie de cirque…
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Brrr!
They said it would be cold in the Chapiteau at this time of year. It was only when the heater started spitting out chunks of ice that I really understood what they meant. And to think I thought it was bad when we had no water, not because the pipes froze, but because the town's water supply froze...
Seriously.
France.
Learn how to insulate your shit.
Seriously.
France.
Learn how to insulate your shit.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Good Morning
I love Sunday mornings. When I was still at home, I would get up late, drink lots of tea, and have a leisurely breakfast of foods far too complicated to spend time making during the week. After a week of rehearsal and a Saturday spent running errands and getting in some free training, its time to settle into this crazy new world of mine properly.
As luck would have it, it’s gorgeous out today. In the part of France I’m in right now, it rains all the time. Almost every day. So a day of sunshine is practically an event. And a caravan full of sunshine after days of grey has a handle on cozy that needs to be experienced to understand.
To add to the general goodness of the day, the experiment of using under my bed as a fridge has proven successful. A nice, cold, glass of juice? Yes, please! How about some music with that? Mmmm…
But to really kick off this first Sunday, and to cap off the first week of rehearsal, a special treat is in order. As such, I’m making scones!
And so should you!
Raspberry Scones
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup all-purpose flour
3 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter or margarine
3/4 cup light cream
1 egg yolk
1 cup fresh or frozen raspberries
Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.
Combine flours, baking powder, and sugar in a bowl. Cut in butter until mixture resembles fine crumbs. Beat cream and egg yolk together and add to dry ingredients. Stir with a fork just until dry ingredients are moistened.
Gently fold in raspberries with rubber scraper. Turn out on a floured surface and knead gently about six times to form a ball. Pat dough into a circle about 3/4-inch thick. Carefully place on greased baking sheet. Mark off eight wedges with a sharp knife. Be careful not to cut all the way through. Sprinkle with sugar.
Bake for 20 minutes or until browned.
Break into wedges and serve hot with butter.
Happy Sunday everyone!
As luck would have it, it’s gorgeous out today. In the part of France I’m in right now, it rains all the time. Almost every day. So a day of sunshine is practically an event. And a caravan full of sunshine after days of grey has a handle on cozy that needs to be experienced to understand.
To add to the general goodness of the day, the experiment of using under my bed as a fridge has proven successful. A nice, cold, glass of juice? Yes, please! How about some music with that? Mmmm…
But to really kick off this first Sunday, and to cap off the first week of rehearsal, a special treat is in order. As such, I’m making scones!
And so should you!
Raspberry Scones
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup all-purpose flour
3 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter or margarine
3/4 cup light cream
1 egg yolk
1 cup fresh or frozen raspberries
Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.
Combine flours, baking powder, and sugar in a bowl. Cut in butter until mixture resembles fine crumbs. Beat cream and egg yolk together and add to dry ingredients. Stir with a fork just until dry ingredients are moistened.
Gently fold in raspberries with rubber scraper. Turn out on a floured surface and knead gently about six times to form a ball. Pat dough into a circle about 3/4-inch thick. Carefully place on greased baking sheet. Mark off eight wedges with a sharp knife. Be careful not to cut all the way through. Sprinkle with sugar.
Bake for 20 minutes or until browned.
Break into wedges and serve hot with butter.
Happy Sunday everyone!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The first day
Ah, the first day of creation! Everyone is here, the circus is in full swing, and the energy is running wild! That last sentence can be interpreted in a couple of ways. You can either go the “There are a lot of people who need heat and water, there are a million things going on at once, and there is an underlying tension that, while subtle, is perfectly tangible” or, “Oh, how I’ve missed everyone! We’re finally starting! Let’s make a show!!”
I’d say I lie somewhere in the middle. I believe they call it cautious optimism.
I don’t want to give the wrong idea. I’m actually really excited to be here, and I am very happy to see everyone, and yes, I do want to make one helluva show. But then, I still can’t believe that I’m actually here, that this is really happening, and that I’m going on tour with a major company for the next four years.
I’ve never been a part of such an intense creation before. And certainly not a three-month creation. Although in truth, it’s been closer to five months, what with the various research periods. I have no doubt that the show will be excellent. Some of the stuff we’ve come up with is really beautiful. But when I think of how far we’ve come and how far we’ve yet to go, I can’t help but imagine one of those paintings where there’s a path that goes over the horizon with no visible end in sight. It just seems like such a huge undertaking to make something out of nothing, to take something abstract and transform it into reality. With my inexperience nipping at my heels, the whole undertaking is somewhat daunting.
That’s when I remind myself that I’m not in it alone, that there is an entire group of experienced artists working with me, and that its only the first day.
I’d say I lie somewhere in the middle. I believe they call it cautious optimism.
I don’t want to give the wrong idea. I’m actually really excited to be here, and I am very happy to see everyone, and yes, I do want to make one helluva show. But then, I still can’t believe that I’m actually here, that this is really happening, and that I’m going on tour with a major company for the next four years.
I’ve never been a part of such an intense creation before. And certainly not a three-month creation. Although in truth, it’s been closer to five months, what with the various research periods. I have no doubt that the show will be excellent. Some of the stuff we’ve come up with is really beautiful. But when I think of how far we’ve come and how far we’ve yet to go, I can’t help but imagine one of those paintings where there’s a path that goes over the horizon with no visible end in sight. It just seems like such a huge undertaking to make something out of nothing, to take something abstract and transform it into reality. With my inexperience nipping at my heels, the whole undertaking is somewhat daunting.
That’s when I remind myself that I’m not in it alone, that there is an entire group of experienced artists working with me, and that its only the first day.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
It begins...
Time: Four days.
Challenge: Fit as much chaos, drama, and shit into those four days as possible.
Ready?
Because I sure wasn’t. Between last minute errands, personal life pandemonium and a really bad hair cut, I was just about ready to raise the white flag. I often say that this whole circus thing would have been so much easier if I had started right out of school. I’d have still been in that rhythm, I could have used that momentum to propel me forward and (hopefully) out run my fears.
But that didn’t happen. It took two and half years out of circus school before I found serious work. There were gigs here and there, but not enough. For a long time I was too proud to work as anything but an acrobat. Then I realized that I like to eat. And being able to afford somewhere to live wasn’t half bad either. So I bit my lip and got work in a bakery. I could eat again, but my new job left me no time to train for my actual career.
Why do I mention any of this? I guess if it was me reading this, I’d like a bit of background info. Leaving for France was incredibly difficult. I mean, I love my work. I love the people I work with, and the atmosphere we work in. It’s exactly what I was looking for. And yet the fear… the anxiety… the chaos of dramatic shit…
As I just mentioned, I didn’t ride a wave of glory out of circus school. Instead, I fruitlessly searched for work. I bought appliances (oh, Mix Master! How I will miss you!) and a goldfish. I moved in with my boyfriend and pretty much started a sedentary life when I knew damn well that I wasn’t going to be able to live it. Moreover, I’m one of those spoiled people who’ve lived their whole life in one city and didn’t leave home for school.
So why so much fear and anxiety? Especially since after long last I was achieving my dream? As crazy as it may seem, actually achieving a dream can be absolutely terrifying. What if there’s never another dream after that? What if it turns out I hate the thing I’ve spent so much time and energy pursuing? What if I fail?
In the end, I should find the fear reassuring. It tells me that I have something to lose.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Roll up! Roll up!
Have you ever wanted to run away and join the circus? Experience life under the Big Top? Fly through the air with the greatest of ease, be the daring young man on the flying trapeze? If so, welcome to Kicking Sawdust.
It all starts in four days. Well, you could say it started a little over a year ago. Although, four years ago might be more on the mark. But if you want to be really picky, then without a doubt, it started when I was six years old.
You see, I'm a professional circus artist. And while I may have graduated from circus school (yes, circus school. And a damn good one at that) in the spring of 2006, I've had relatively little work.
That is, until now.
Which brings me to 'Kicking Sawdust'. 'Kicking Sawdust' is old circus lingo from the heyday of American circus. It means to be on a show or to follow a show. I find the term to be a fitting name for this blog as I'm about to start on a show myself. And what better way for a non-circus type to follow a show than to read a first hand account of its progression?
I leave home for a new life under the Big Top in just four days. And while I have an idea of what's in store, I'm pretty sure I actually have no idea what's in store. So this is my invitation to you, dear reader, to join me while I learn what it takes to make a show, live in a troupe, survive the creative process and who knows what else! And for any aspiring young circus artists out there who may stumble upon this blog, I hope my experiences help you on your way to becoming the artist you want to be, from First of May to full out Kinker!
It all starts in four days. Well, you could say it started a little over a year ago. Although, four years ago might be more on the mark. But if you want to be really picky, then without a doubt, it started when I was six years old.
You see, I'm a professional circus artist. And while I may have graduated from circus school (yes, circus school. And a damn good one at that) in the spring of 2006, I've had relatively little work.
That is, until now.
Which brings me to 'Kicking Sawdust'. 'Kicking Sawdust' is old circus lingo from the heyday of American circus. It means to be on a show or to follow a show. I find the term to be a fitting name for this blog as I'm about to start on a show myself. And what better way for a non-circus type to follow a show than to read a first hand account of its progression?
I leave home for a new life under the Big Top in just four days. And while I have an idea of what's in store, I'm pretty sure I actually have no idea what's in store. So this is my invitation to you, dear reader, to join me while I learn what it takes to make a show, live in a troupe, survive the creative process and who knows what else! And for any aspiring young circus artists out there who may stumble upon this blog, I hope my experiences help you on your way to becoming the artist you want to be, from First of May to full out Kinker!
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