Loss

A dark cloud has fallen over the circus.

A week ago, a past member of the troupe and the ex-partner of one of the current staff suffered a brain aneurysm. The outcome didn’t look good and after a week of deliberation they decided it was time to let him go. Last night they unplugged the machines helping him to breathe and this morning he passed away.

The generational divide among the troupe is quite apparent today. Those who have been around for a decade or more deeply feel the loss. The rest of us can only drift uncomfortably through their private pain. We did not know him and those who did seem to have created their own impenetrable circle of grieving.

Individual members of the troupe have lost a loved one over the course of the tour, myself included. But for half the troupe to suddenly be in mourning is a strange and unsettling experience. All I can do today is keep my distance and let their wounds run clean.

And yet, even though I may not be a part of the collective grieving, I can’t help but find myself looking out at the dark grey sky and reflect on my own losses. Like it or not, a circus troupe is a living, breathing thing. Sometimes your feelings belong to more than just yourself, and sometimes, you take on more than what your own heart is bearing.

The candle has been lit, now all we can do is pay our respects.