The Green Eyed Monster

I am many things, and I like to believe that one of those things is honest. Sometimes I don’t quite get there, but if there’s any hope of me getting through the closing days of this show’s life, I need to be honest with myself.

I think I’ve been over the feelings of being cast aside. It’s hard not to feel that way when the musicians, sure of where their paycheques will be coming from for the next couple of years, smile brightly as though nothing is amiss. Meanwhile, the rest of us gnaw off our fingernails while the parade of new comers audition. The Associates, who for so long touted us as being some kind of family, no longer seem to be able to spare us a second glance.

All of that hurts. All of that, and many other complicated, bitter feelings and past slights have added up to a knot of unhappiness in my heart. As much as I know I need to move on from here, I can’t help but want to hold on. I recognize that it’s because staying here would be easy and safe. But I would be miserable. Fine. I can reconcile that. But then there’s the jealousy…

I’ve had friends audition for the next show. Other acquaintances have been tapped as well. One friend who auditioned has hinted how his girlfriend is free and amazing and maybe there’s a spot for her too? The company seems open to that possibility. His girlfriend is also a friend (and she really is amazing), and it makes me so angry to think that a person can get a job, without even auditioning, because their significant other pulled some strings.

I know her career path. I think she’s worked almost non-stop since we graduated. It took me two years to find work after finishing circus school and I am terrified to go through that again. It makes me angry that it seems so easy for some people. I doubt my worth, I gnash my teeth, and yes, I am jealous.

I’m not proud of it. I’m really not. Of course I want the best for my friends but it just feels like that final nail in the coffin to think that a friend is replacing you. I know it should probably be the opposite. That I should feel relieved that someone I know and love will carry on in my place. But the faceless stranger hurts less. I know it isn’t the case at all, but it feels kind of like a betrayal. What kind of friend takes your job?

The more I talk with the others and the more whispered conversations I happen to overhear, the more I realize that I’m not the only one feeling this way. It’s a small comfort, but it’s comfort none the less. At the very least, I know I’m not over exaggerating and that absolutely everyone here, even a lot of the people who will be staying on, find this entire process disrespectful, painful and unpleasant.

I’m afraid I can’t write anymore. I have another audition to sit through…