Love of Circus, Love or Circus

While warming up for a show one afternoon, I glanced over at one of my cast mates and couldn't help but notice a certain look in his eye. It was a look I knew far too well, having had it myself more times than I care to recall. It was also a look that I'd seen quite a lot over these first few months of the tour...

It's hard to talk about heartbreak without becoming maudlin or falling into cliché. But I swear, looking at his eyes, I could see him trembling at the core. There's no escaping that rawness, and I know that for me, having to perform in that state is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But that is a topic for another post.

What all of this really makes me wonder is if it's possible to have lasting love in the circus? When the news that yet another member of our little troupe had ended it with their significant other (this was the fourth couple to split in in so many months), one of my colleagues wondered aloud "Do any couples make it in the circus?"

I immediately started listing off all the happily married and solid circus couples I knew, some where both partners are in the circus, some not. And while that list made me feel better in the moment, I was left with lingering doubt.

It's one thing to be with someone while on tour, but tours end and visas expire. Who knows where the next contract will lead, and for how long? Many couples try to make it last, but if the stats on this tour are any indication, few make it. When I first started working at my previous circus, my then-boyfriend (with whom I had been for two and a half years) and I barely lasted a month.

As magical and wonderful as circus life can be, it can also be extremely lonely. Facebook is really good at reminding you of that. My news feed is constantly flooded with engagement announcements, wedding pictures, and baby updates. I know that isn't the life I want just yet and that I would be terribly bored if I suddenly found myself tied down somewhere. But I'm going to be 30 this year. Shouldn't I have all this sorted out by now? Aren't these the things I'm supposed to want?

And I do want most of those things some day. But I still haven't been to Asia or Australia and hope very much to find work there, not to mention the handful of countries in Europe and South America I still want to visit. And there are so many exciting companies out there, and interesting projects in the works! I haven't performed in a German variété yet, or done some crazy gig in Dubai. Not to mention all the social circus I would still like to be a part of.

But with every year I'm away, the fewer and fewer people I still have waiting for me in my home town. Every new contract feels like starting from scratch. New friends, new ties, new home... It's hard to meet and keep new people in your life when you leave a town as suddenly as you appeared.

I do ache for those roots, and as much as I want to live out all those aforementioned adventures, the desire to share those adventures with someone else keeps pushing its way forward.

So how do you do it? How do you balance the love of circus and this crazy circus life with that most basic human need for love? How do you build a foundation with someone when the most solid thing in your life can be torn down and packed into a truck in a matter of hours?

I'd try and answer that question but the tent needs to be put up, the sawdust put down, and the show, as always, must go on...