Oof...

I feel like I’m circling the drain. I keep trying to tell myself “You just need to make it until Thursday, then you can have an evening off.” Or “The next part of the tour will be a little easier, then you can rest.” But Thursday goes by in a flash and it turns out the next part of the tour is much harder than any of us previously believed.

I’m exhausted and it’s taking a toll on my health, my relationship, and my mental well-being. It makes me feel ashamed to be this tired. It makes me think I’m weak. Worst of all, it makes me feel like a failure. Can I really be the only one having such a hard time? Does that seven or eight year age gap between most of my cast mates and I really make such a difference? I hear snippets of the struggle from the others, but I still can’t help but feel like I’m the only one in the weeds.

My limbs feel like they’re full of sand and when I wake up in the morning, I somehow I feel even more tired than when I went to bed. I dread doing the show and more than once I’ve found myself on the verge of tears before and during my act. I feel like my brain is in a fog and I have a hard time remembering simple cues. I keep drawing blanks on stage and hope that no one notices my scrambling to execute the cues on time.

Worst of all, I find myself fantasizing about getting injured. Nothing too serious, just enough to let me rest for a few days. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even have to dream about it. They way things are going, I can’t help but ask myself “Is today the day I just collapse backstage? Is today the day my knee gives out, or my ankle? My shoulder?”

And then I’m amazed when at the end of the show, I’m still in one piece. I’m amazed that this body, that is screaming for me to stop, so readily accepts that I just keep on pushing it, and submits to another round of abuse. And then, though it shames me to say it, I’m feel a little disappointed.

It’s happened now that I have, in fact, broken down crying after my act. And much to my surprise, I had one of my cast mates crying next to me while we lay hidden behind some décor waiting to go onstage. Will any of us make it?