I am many things, and I like to believe that one of those things is honest. Sometimes I don’t quite get there, but if there’s any hope of me getting through the closing days of this show’s life, I need to be honest with myself.
I think I’ve been over the feelings of being cast aside. It’s hard not to feel that way when the musicians, sure of where their paycheques will be coming from for the next couple of years, smile brightly as though nothing is amiss. Meanwhile, the rest of us gnaw off our fingernails while the parade of new comers audition. The Associates, who for so long touted us as being some kind of family, no longer seem to be able to spare us a second glance.
All of that hurts. All of that, and many other complicated, bitter feelings and past slights have added up to a knot of unhappiness in my heart. As much as I know I need to move on from here, I can’t help but want to hold on. I recognize that it’s because staying here would be easy and safe. But I would be miserable. Fine. I can reconcile that. But then there’s the jealousy…
I’ve had friends audition for the next show. Other acquaintances have been tapped as well. One friend who auditioned has hinted how his girlfriend is free and amazing and maybe there’s a spot for her too? The company seems open to that possibility. His girlfriend is also a friend (and she really is amazing), and it makes me so angry to think that a person can get a job, without even auditioning, because their significant other pulled some strings.
I know her career path. I think she’s worked almost non-stop since we graduated. It took me two years to find work after finishing circus school and I am terrified to go through that again. It makes me angry that it seems so easy for some people. I doubt my worth, I gnash my teeth, and yes, I am jealous.
I’m not proud of it. I’m really not. Of course I want the best for my friends but it just feels like that final nail in the coffin to think that a friend is replacing you. I know it should probably be the opposite. That I should feel relieved that someone I know and love will carry on in my place. But the faceless stranger hurts less. I know it isn’t the case at all, but it feels kind of like a betrayal. What kind of friend takes your job?
The more I talk with the others and the more whispered conversations I happen to overhear, the more I realize that I’m not the only one feeling this way. It’s a small comfort, but it’s comfort none the less. At the very least, I know I’m not over exaggerating and that absolutely everyone here, even a lot of the people who will be staying on, find this entire process disrespectful, painful and unpleasant.
I’m afraid I can’t write anymore. I have another audition to sit through…
Showing posts with label turn over. Show all posts
Showing posts with label turn over. Show all posts
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Then Came the Whispers
As you can no doubt imagine, all the auditions plus talk of the new show has lead to all kinds of speculation. As far as I know, the next show my company puts on is supposed to be some kind of homage to themselves and their 30 year history. What’s interesting about this is that they did a ‘best of’ two shows ago. What’s even more interesting is a certain theory going around…
One of my fellow acrobats has stated that changing out such a large portion of the troupe isn’t just about needing different acts for the show. Word on the street is that the director is essentially out of ideas and needs to steal some from some outside source. He needs new people because clearly, he’s sapped all the current people of any ideas they could possibly have. So goes the theory.
Now, I know that the director has a short memory when it comes to who came up with what. And I know from experience that in the end, he tends to take more credit than is due, sometimes forgetting where some of the more brilliant ideas actually come from (the lighting designer, for example). But as much resentment as I’m feeling these days, I couldn’t help but find the suggestion that he needed to hire new people to steal their ideas a little harsh.
Then I had a chat with one of the musicians.
He’s been around for quite some time and his assessment of the whole thing is that the director is treading water somewhere in the middle of the ocean. Apparently the director keeps saying how this new show is really going to rock it (this one, it would seem, did not), but then keeps dusting off all this old crap from past shows. I know the musicians aren’t too impressed at the moment because it’s a lot of rehashing of ‘object music’, where they play tin pots and so forth. Other than that and actually re-doing old acts, he seems to have nothing.
Which is why our show may be prolonged until December 2012 instead of June 2012. To quote the director: “Yeah it would be great, and of course it suits me better.”
UPDATE: Yeah, you know the whole 'different acts' theory? They just auditioned a rebound juggler and I believe he has been hired. There is a rebound juggling act in the current show. So much for that theory.
One of my fellow acrobats has stated that changing out such a large portion of the troupe isn’t just about needing different acts for the show. Word on the street is that the director is essentially out of ideas and needs to steal some from some outside source. He needs new people because clearly, he’s sapped all the current people of any ideas they could possibly have. So goes the theory.
Now, I know that the director has a short memory when it comes to who came up with what. And I know from experience that in the end, he tends to take more credit than is due, sometimes forgetting where some of the more brilliant ideas actually come from (the lighting designer, for example). But as much resentment as I’m feeling these days, I couldn’t help but find the suggestion that he needed to hire new people to steal their ideas a little harsh.
Then I had a chat with one of the musicians.
He’s been around for quite some time and his assessment of the whole thing is that the director is treading water somewhere in the middle of the ocean. Apparently the director keeps saying how this new show is really going to rock it (this one, it would seem, did not), but then keeps dusting off all this old crap from past shows. I know the musicians aren’t too impressed at the moment because it’s a lot of rehashing of ‘object music’, where they play tin pots and so forth. Other than that and actually re-doing old acts, he seems to have nothing.
Which is why our show may be prolonged until December 2012 instead of June 2012. To quote the director: “Yeah it would be great, and of course it suits me better.”
UPDATE: Yeah, you know the whole 'different acts' theory? They just auditioned a rebound juggler and I believe he has been hired. There is a rebound juggling act in the current show. So much for that theory.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Respect
A friend of mine was asked to audition for this company and declined. I am very proud of him for saying no.
The reason I am proud of him comes from a conversation I had with the director not too long ago. In a nutshell, he was going on and on about how wonderful my friend is (which is true) and said how he would like for him to audition. The director then added that he had absolutely no intention of hiring my friend as there was no need for a rope act in the new show, but you know, maybe for the next show… Three or four years from now.
Considering the director forgot my name after I’ve worked with him for four years, I’m not sure that in three years he’ll remember ever having seen my friend, let alone be holding a place for him in a show that’s barely even a concept.
I know the director thinks his company is a big deal, but it is arrogant beyond words and completely disrespectful to a hard working artist to waste their time having them audition for something when the person conducting the audition knows full well there is no job possibility waiting.
It costs money to get to an audition. I should know. I flew to France from Canada to audition for this company. In the end, I had to buy a second plane ticket because the first airline wouldn’t accept my wheel. But at least I got hired. My friend? You don’t waste someone’s time and money like that. You don’t give someone false hope like that. And knowing how this company works, I’m amazed they even bothered mentioning that they had no intention of hiring him.
The longer I’m here, the more I see the lack of respect this company has toward its employees. In the beginning, there were some things that I thought were just quirks. But the longer I’ve been here, the more I see how messed up things are here and how in any other work environment, none of this shit would fly.
I don’t doubt that there are other companies that are much worse. Really, the overall conditions are quite good here. If you were to look in for a short period you might even think it’s perfect. But on a human level, there’s something seriously wrong lurking just below the surface. No matter how happy and shiny people look, private conversations reveal otherwise. And in the end, I think a lot of it comes down to respect. And if you aren’t one of the Associates, you’re probably not going to see a lot it.
The reason I am proud of him comes from a conversation I had with the director not too long ago. In a nutshell, he was going on and on about how wonderful my friend is (which is true) and said how he would like for him to audition. The director then added that he had absolutely no intention of hiring my friend as there was no need for a rope act in the new show, but you know, maybe for the next show… Three or four years from now.
Considering the director forgot my name after I’ve worked with him for four years, I’m not sure that in three years he’ll remember ever having seen my friend, let alone be holding a place for him in a show that’s barely even a concept.
I know the director thinks his company is a big deal, but it is arrogant beyond words and completely disrespectful to a hard working artist to waste their time having them audition for something when the person conducting the audition knows full well there is no job possibility waiting.
It costs money to get to an audition. I should know. I flew to France from Canada to audition for this company. In the end, I had to buy a second plane ticket because the first airline wouldn’t accept my wheel. But at least I got hired. My friend? You don’t waste someone’s time and money like that. You don’t give someone false hope like that. And knowing how this company works, I’m amazed they even bothered mentioning that they had no intention of hiring him.
The longer I’m here, the more I see the lack of respect this company has toward its employees. In the beginning, there were some things that I thought were just quirks. But the longer I’ve been here, the more I see how messed up things are here and how in any other work environment, none of this shit would fly.
I don’t doubt that there are other companies that are much worse. Really, the overall conditions are quite good here. If you were to look in for a short period you might even think it’s perfect. But on a human level, there’s something seriously wrong lurking just below the surface. No matter how happy and shiny people look, private conversations reveal otherwise. And in the end, I think a lot of it comes down to respect. And if you aren’t one of the Associates, you’re probably not going to see a lot it.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Oh My...
The more auditions the circus holds, the more I question whether or not it’s normal to ask people to assist in the job hiring process of those who will be replacing them. It seems a little cruel, doesn’t it?
Anyway, today I got to sit through some pretty… special… auditions. And this isn’t just me being bitter and trying to make myself feel better. Oh no. Every single person in that tent, be it technician, acrobat, musician or kitchen staff, had a look of sheer WTF on their face when all was said and done. Most people were left speechless. Eyes were wide, cheeks were puffed out, and long, drawn out sighs could be heard from every direction.
The first guy did some kind of acrobatic monologue. It started with a lot of banging in the wings and was followed by some stylized falling down. Then there was the monologue. The text itself might have been good, but I couldn’t always make out what the guy was saying and he had a kind of one note delivery. The entire piece culminated with him stripping down to a Jesus t-shirt and walking into the audience to give someone a hug.
I have no idea what I was supposed to make of that.
Then came his ‘handstand’ number. It was maybe two minutes long, had no music, nothing to tie any of the movements together, and from what I could tell, no concept. There were one or two respectable figures, but he didn’t hold them very well and I wanted to scream at him to straighten his legs and point his damn toes.
Did I mention he’s the director’s nephew?
Ha! And the night before his audition he had the gall to sit in the kitchen with us after the show and decimate our work. Seriously, after a rant like that, to come to an audition so ill prepared and with so little substance… I’ve rarely seen such arrogance.
The second person to audition was a girl whom I would describe as a clown/manipulator of objects. Now she was well prepared. Everything from her costumes to her props were put together with obvious care and she had clearly put a lot of thought into what she was sharing with us.
The only thing is, I kind of felt like I was watching the end of year presentation of a clown student. She had an incredible amount of material to show us. Each act (there were many) had to have been at least eight minutes long. And I think that it if she were to trim it all down by about half, she might be onto something good. I feel that with some direction and further character development, she could really have something. But for now, it still seemed a bit lacking in precision and unfortunately, technique. Ripe with potential though she may be, she just doesn’t seem ready to be on such a big stage.
And this one goes to everyone who has auditioned so far: please stop spending so much time with your back to the audience. Also, on the occasions where you are facing the audience, could you perhaps look at us rather than the floor? Thank you.
It brings me great pain to say this, but so far, cyr wheel guy is the one to beat.
Anyway, today I got to sit through some pretty… special… auditions. And this isn’t just me being bitter and trying to make myself feel better. Oh no. Every single person in that tent, be it technician, acrobat, musician or kitchen staff, had a look of sheer WTF on their face when all was said and done. Most people were left speechless. Eyes were wide, cheeks were puffed out, and long, drawn out sighs could be heard from every direction.
The first guy did some kind of acrobatic monologue. It started with a lot of banging in the wings and was followed by some stylized falling down. Then there was the monologue. The text itself might have been good, but I couldn’t always make out what the guy was saying and he had a kind of one note delivery. The entire piece culminated with him stripping down to a Jesus t-shirt and walking into the audience to give someone a hug.
I have no idea what I was supposed to make of that.
Then came his ‘handstand’ number. It was maybe two minutes long, had no music, nothing to tie any of the movements together, and from what I could tell, no concept. There were one or two respectable figures, but he didn’t hold them very well and I wanted to scream at him to straighten his legs and point his damn toes.
Did I mention he’s the director’s nephew?
Ha! And the night before his audition he had the gall to sit in the kitchen with us after the show and decimate our work. Seriously, after a rant like that, to come to an audition so ill prepared and with so little substance… I’ve rarely seen such arrogance.
The second person to audition was a girl whom I would describe as a clown/manipulator of objects. Now she was well prepared. Everything from her costumes to her props were put together with obvious care and she had clearly put a lot of thought into what she was sharing with us.
The only thing is, I kind of felt like I was watching the end of year presentation of a clown student. She had an incredible amount of material to show us. Each act (there were many) had to have been at least eight minutes long. And I think that it if she were to trim it all down by about half, she might be onto something good. I feel that with some direction and further character development, she could really have something. But for now, it still seemed a bit lacking in precision and unfortunately, technique. Ripe with potential though she may be, she just doesn’t seem ready to be on such a big stage.
And this one goes to everyone who has auditioned so far: please stop spending so much time with your back to the audience. Also, on the occasions where you are facing the audience, could you perhaps look at us rather than the floor? Thank you.
It brings me great pain to say this, but so far, cyr wheel guy is the one to beat.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
One Foot In, One Foot Out
It seems like only yesterday that I was heading to France to audition for my company. I was nervous, of course, but also very excited. I felt I had a sea of possibility before me and that for once, I might actually get to set sail on it. I was on top of the world.
It never occurred to me how the artists on the show that was running at the time, the ones whose jobs I was vying for, might be feeling. It never even entered my head that my happiness in getting a job relied on someone else losing theirs.
Well it’s occurred to me now because I’m the one in the process of being replaced. This show is coming to an end and our time here in Lyon will be peppered with auditions. And frankly, I feel like garbage.
Picture it: I step into the chapiteau to train this morning and run into director, his arms around the shoulders of today’s hopeful candidate. The director, whom I’ve worked with for four years, gets my name wrong. When I correct him, he doesn’t even notice. The guy auditioning? He does cyr wheel*…
The show isn’t even over yet and already the director can’t be bothered to get my name right and on top of it I may well be replaced by someone who does freaking cyr wheel. Cyr wheel! Talk about insult to injury.
Now you may be thinking, ‘You’re not being replaced by a cyr wheel, it’s an entirely new show!’ The only thing is, the new show will basically be a ‘best of’ rehashing of the past 30 years of this company’s history. So it kind of does feel like the German wheel act is being switched out for a cyr wheel act…
I haven’t been happy here for a while now, and the more time passes the more frustrated and angry I become. But for within the past 24 hours I’ve finally reached a point where the idea of all this ending soon is something of a relief. There are a lot of problems with this company, most of which I’ve never written about. The idea of finding myself unemployed remains very scary, but not nearly as scary as the toll working here has had on my mental health.
They say that all good things come to an end. Thank god the not-so-good things come to an end too.
* Why the indignation at cyr wheel? When you specialize in German wheel, it can’t really be helped.
It never occurred to me how the artists on the show that was running at the time, the ones whose jobs I was vying for, might be feeling. It never even entered my head that my happiness in getting a job relied on someone else losing theirs.
Well it’s occurred to me now because I’m the one in the process of being replaced. This show is coming to an end and our time here in Lyon will be peppered with auditions. And frankly, I feel like garbage.
Picture it: I step into the chapiteau to train this morning and run into director, his arms around the shoulders of today’s hopeful candidate. The director, whom I’ve worked with for four years, gets my name wrong. When I correct him, he doesn’t even notice. The guy auditioning? He does cyr wheel*…
The show isn’t even over yet and already the director can’t be bothered to get my name right and on top of it I may well be replaced by someone who does freaking cyr wheel. Cyr wheel! Talk about insult to injury.
Now you may be thinking, ‘You’re not being replaced by a cyr wheel, it’s an entirely new show!’ The only thing is, the new show will basically be a ‘best of’ rehashing of the past 30 years of this company’s history. So it kind of does feel like the German wheel act is being switched out for a cyr wheel act…
I haven’t been happy here for a while now, and the more time passes the more frustrated and angry I become. But for within the past 24 hours I’ve finally reached a point where the idea of all this ending soon is something of a relief. There are a lot of problems with this company, most of which I’ve never written about. The idea of finding myself unemployed remains very scary, but not nearly as scary as the toll working here has had on my mental health.
They say that all good things come to an end. Thank god the not-so-good things come to an end too.
* Why the indignation at cyr wheel? When you specialize in German wheel, it can’t really be helped.
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