It seems like only yesterday that I was heading to France to audition for my company. I was nervous, of course, but also very excited. I felt I had a sea of possibility before me and that for once, I might actually get to set sail on it. I was on top of the world.
It never occurred to me how the artists on the show that was running at the time, the ones whose jobs I was vying for, might be feeling. It never even entered my head that my happiness in getting a job relied on someone else losing theirs.
Well it’s occurred to me now because I’m the one in the process of being replaced. This show is coming to an end and our time here in Lyon will be peppered with auditions. And frankly, I feel like garbage.
Picture it: I step into the chapiteau to train this morning and run into director, his arms around the shoulders of today’s hopeful candidate. The director, whom I’ve worked with for four years, gets my name wrong. When I correct him, he doesn’t even notice. The guy auditioning? He does cyr wheel*…
The show isn’t even over yet and already the director can’t be bothered to get my name right and on top of it I may well be replaced by someone who does freaking cyr wheel. Cyr wheel! Talk about insult to injury.
Now you may be thinking, ‘You’re not being replaced by a cyr wheel, it’s an entirely new show!’ The only thing is, the new show will basically be a ‘best of’ rehashing of the past 30 years of this company’s history. So it kind of does feel like the German wheel act is being switched out for a cyr wheel act…
I haven’t been happy here for a while now, and the more time passes the more frustrated and angry I become. But for within the past 24 hours I’ve finally reached a point where the idea of all this ending soon is something of a relief. There are a lot of problems with this company, most of which I’ve never written about. The idea of finding myself unemployed remains very scary, but not nearly as scary as the toll working here has had on my mental health.
They say that all good things come to an end. Thank god the not-so-good things come to an end too.
* Why the indignation at cyr wheel? When you specialize in German wheel, it can’t really be helped.
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I once knew a young journalist who was doing the 6pm news for her local tv station. She was very good at her job, but didn't enjoy this particular gig that much (much like you!). Of course she never considered leaving the job because it was great money and a good opportunity. Then, out of nowhere her boss told her she was being replaced. She thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to her: she was devastated. And broke. And directionless. She knew she didn't like her last gig, but didn't know what she would like better. Soon after, she heard that a spot was opening up for a position on a new daytime show, so she went to audition. Her name was Oprah Winfrey.
ReplyDeleteMy dear love: maybe getting out of this toxic place your in now will just be a step in the direction of your wildest dreams. I'm sure the fear of being unemployed with no prospects in sight seems very scary now...but sometimes we need to weed all the bad things out of our life to make space for the good to come in. Best of luck, dear friend.
Thanks, h. I know moving on will be the best thing for me in the end, but having this end still feels like this big scary thing looming on the horizon. But I’m going to try to look at it your way and keep reaching toward new dreams!
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