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Beginning the Phases of Grief

The troupe has suffered a terrible loss. The funeral was held today and as I'm very much on the other side of the ocean, I was unable to attend. When I opened my e-mail this morning, my inbox was flooded.  Every single message was a message of condolence, or a link to a newspaper article, a poem in memory of... And I can't take it.

I've been here sitting in denial, far removed from the painful scene in France. I'll be thrust into it on Sunday and needless to say, I'm not looking forward to it.

Right now, I think I'm in denial. Maybe that's why I can't bear to look at all those messages and images. Of course I was shocked by the news, but I guess I took it like he was just leaving the show. That he was still somewhere, just somewhere where I wouldn't see him again. Now it feels more like he's just pulling the same stupid shit he always pulled. The show started but he was asleep in his caravan, or he left his phone on backstage during a show...

Little by little I'm realizing that isn't the case. When we get to Toulouse, someone will have to clean out his trunk. I can't imagine what B, the alternate for the role played by my departed cast mate, must be feeling. To know that he'll no longer be filling in from time to time, but taking over completely. To go on stage in the dead man's costume...

And D... for me she has the least enviable task of all. The show is about art and representation. We all had exceptionally realistic masks of ourselves made for the show. She wears his mask. It's waiting for her in her trunk. That thought chills me to the bone and leaves me haunted by the idea of death masks.

I know it will be good for us all to grieve collectively. But I had such a terrible relationship with this man. I have no good memories of him. And the few that I have from the very beginning, before things spiraled out of control, they're all tainted by what came next.

I'm afraid that when I land back among the troupe, my grief won't be enough for them and that I'll come off as some horrible bitch. To fake anything more than I'm feeling would be heartless and disrespectful. But I know that everyone talks about everyone else, and I can't help but feel that certain people among those who are suffering this loss the hardest will need something or someone to take out their anger on. Our mutual dislike was no secret. And maybe my paranoia stems from guilt, but I can see how I would make an excellent Whipping Boy.

Or maybe what I'm most afraid of is discovering that I do have genuine grief, that those good memories of the friend I once had are still there somewhere, and that all the anger and resentment that I've had bottled up for the past three years will finally give way to forgiveness.

The Butterfly Circus

This post was scheduled for much later in the month, but in light of recent events, it seems a more fitting transition back into the regular content.

Got 20 minutes to spare? Might I suggest you take a moment to enjoy this short film about hope and triumphing over adversity in the age of the Great Depression, all through the wonder of circus?

Word on the street is that this film by Joshua and Rebekah Weigel has been so successful that plans are in the works to expand it into a full length feature. Let's hope so!


The Butterfly Circus - HD from The Butterfly Circus on Vimeo.

The Mourning After

Since the news of my cast mate's death broke, messages have been pouring in. This morning my inbox consisted solely of the condolences that have been sent to the office and then forwarded to us. My Facebook feed is inundated with photos of the man who left us. My feelings of numbness have been slapped awake and I now see that a lot of what I was feeling, am feeling, is denial.

It's like he went on vacation, or retired. There are such big gaps in the tour where we don't all see each other. It's just like that, right?

Of course it's not like that. When I really stop and think that I will never see this person again, I just can't believe it. Whatever differences we had, no one wants this. I only hope that after such a troubled and turbulent life, he has found peace.

I know it will be good for the troupe to get together and grieve next week, but I'm not going to lie. I don't know that I can bear it.

Death in the Family

Yesterday I learned that a member of the troupe has died. He took his own life.

As you can imagine, this news has left us all reeling. It's difficult to find words. And unlike the last time there was a loss in the troupe, we are not all together. The tour doesn't start again for a week and a half. While my colleagues are all in France, I'm on the other side of the ocean. For me, this event exists as a phone call and an e-mail that broke the news in the subject line.

I don't know how I feel. I can't even wrap my head around it. It doesn't seem real.

For a short time, in the very beginning, we were close. But he was very troubled and that relationship quickly became toxic and spiraled out of control. A considerable amount of the drama and unhappiness I have experienced during my time with the company revolved around him. My last exchange with him was hostile. I had made the decision not to allow this person space in my life anymore, but he continued to push. He made a remark, my response was barely audible, and he, thinking I hadn't replied, lost it.

I have been doing a lot of work on myself the past few months. One of the biggest obstacles that has faced me is that relationship. The past few days, I had been thinking about him a lot. As it turns out, the day he was most on my mind was the day he died.

I would like to say that I decided to rise above and was ready to forgive him. I would like to say that, but I can't. As much as I know that I need to forgive in order to be free, I still feel so angry, so hurt, and so betrayed. To be completely honest, I didn't feel like he deserved my forgiveness. And I know that's terrible, and I know that forgiving him would mean forgiving myself, and still, I couldn't see how I could do it.

I still can't. Only now I'll never be able to make amends.

Being so far away, it really doesn't seem real. I feel shaken and confused... I feel like I should hurt more. But really, I just feel numb and I hurt for those he left behind.

He was a part of that circus family for over 30 years. And considering the role he played and the way that role shaped the troupe, I really don't know how the company will ever recover. I guess I'll find out in a week and a half.

*** I have a number of posts per-scheduled and in light of current events, I can't help but feel that posts about silly stuff might seem insensitive. But long before he started on his downward spiral, he did have a love of the absurd. I think that, for the time being, the best tribute I can make in his memory is to keep the silliness coming.

Gifs! Gifs! Glorious Gifs!

Have you ever been sitting in front of your computer and thought "You know what would be awesome? A site devoted entirely to animated gifs of elite level gymnastics!"

If you're like me, the answer is no. But now that I've stumbled upon a site consisting of just that, I can't help but wonder why not.

The tumblr in question focuses mainly on American gymnasts, but badass gymnastics is badass gymnastics. So go treat yourself to some infinite loops of awesomeness over at Gymnastic Gifs.

Elisabeth Seitz of Germany

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