Death in the Family

Yesterday I learned that a member of the troupe has died. He took his own life.

As you can imagine, this news has left us all reeling. It's difficult to find words. And unlike the last time there was a loss in the troupe, we are not all together. The tour doesn't start again for a week and a half. While my colleagues are all in France, I'm on the other side of the ocean. For me, this event exists as a phone call and an e-mail that broke the news in the subject line.

I don't know how I feel. I can't even wrap my head around it. It doesn't seem real.

For a short time, in the very beginning, we were close. But he was very troubled and that relationship quickly became toxic and spiraled out of control. A considerable amount of the drama and unhappiness I have experienced during my time with the company revolved around him. My last exchange with him was hostile. I had made the decision not to allow this person space in my life anymore, but he continued to push. He made a remark, my response was barely audible, and he, thinking I hadn't replied, lost it.

I have been doing a lot of work on myself the past few months. One of the biggest obstacles that has faced me is that relationship. The past few days, I had been thinking about him a lot. As it turns out, the day he was most on my mind was the day he died.

I would like to say that I decided to rise above and was ready to forgive him. I would like to say that, but I can't. As much as I know that I need to forgive in order to be free, I still feel so angry, so hurt, and so betrayed. To be completely honest, I didn't feel like he deserved my forgiveness. And I know that's terrible, and I know that forgiving him would mean forgiving myself, and still, I couldn't see how I could do it.

I still can't. Only now I'll never be able to make amends.

Being so far away, it really doesn't seem real. I feel shaken and confused... I feel like I should hurt more. But really, I just feel numb and I hurt for those he left behind.

He was a part of that circus family for over 30 years. And considering the role he played and the way that role shaped the troupe, I really don't know how the company will ever recover. I guess I'll find out in a week and a half.

*** I have a number of posts per-scheduled and in light of current events, I can't help but feel that posts about silly stuff might seem insensitive. But long before he started on his downward spiral, he did have a love of the absurd. I think that, for the time being, the best tribute I can make in his memory is to keep the silliness coming.