Tension of Opposites

As you already know, the job hunt has started anew. I've been in contact with over a dozen promoters, companies, and agencies and very slowly, the odd response is starting to trickle in. Nothing terribly promising or exciting, but at least an interest seems to be there.

The funny thing is though, I find it terrifying. Don't get me wrong. I want to work. That goes without saying. I want to keep traveling, I want to learn new skills, I want to keep growing as an artist. And yet when I find a reply waiting for me in my inbox, I'm scared to open it.

Even crazier, I had one agency reply with a lovely e-mail saying how they were very impressed with me and that they've already added my details to their database. They asked many questions and want more photos and videos. They seem genuinely interested.

I still haven't replied.*

This morning another agency contacted me saying that if they have any interesting offers, they will get in touch.

That was the entire e-mail.

I answered them immediately.

What the hell is wrong with me?

The non-committal reply gets immediate attention and the agency that seems like they really want to work with me is still waiting? Am I nuts?

No, I'm scared.

Non-committal feels like I've made some headway, but I don't actual believe anything will come of it so I feel safe. Bear in mind, I've been with the same company for three years. New is scary. Real possibilities reinforce the truth that my contract is coming to an end. Ends are also scary.

I want to continue working as a circus artist and I simultaneously want to settle somewhere and build a life. Which, I suppose, living out of a suitcase for three years will do to a person.

I suppose in the end, the real problem is the uncertainty. Right now, the only thing I see before me is a great black void. I don't think I'll be able to breathe easily again until I have a new contract and am physically there (wherever there happens to be) fulfilling it.

And even then, I'm sure I'll need a couple of days.



* Writing this post lit a fire under my butt. I have since written back.