The Premiere

Sometimes, you just can't find the appropriate word. The best you can do is utter something lame like "wow", and that's if you can manage more than some barely audible mumbling. The premiere of this show was like that for me. It was intense, humbling, ecstatic, moving, and a huge relief.

This circus is amazing. Their attention to detail and the pride they take in providing a magical experience for the audience is a sight to behold. And I think just as much attention was paid to the artists on opening night, though perhaps in a different way. The love and support from the workers was and remains tangible. We were left flowers and cards from the company directors and workers, as well as a special notes and candy from the show directors and costume ladies. At the end of the night, during the curtain call, we were showered with flowers given to the audience before the show. When the moment came, it felt like the shower of flowers would never end. I thought  I was going to cry.

 

And the applause... my goodness the applause! I remember thinking when I left my last company that I would never hear applause like that again. But the night of the premiere beat any ovation I have ever received in a show. And not just at the finale! The reaction after my act was nothing short of epic. I think part of it had to do with the fact that the I'm performing in the round (the last tour was proscenium style), and suddenly the applause was in surround sound. But when I wanted to leave the stage, I found that I couldn't! The applause was so loud and so long... the public wouldn't let me leave right away. I walked off that stage on air.

And after the applause, the bows, and the rounds of thanks, the circus invited the entire audience to free drinks, cold cuts, cheese, and crudités.

But our celebrations were cut short, what with two shows the next day. You would think that after all that work, you could take a small moment to catch your breath. But this is traditional circus, and there are no days off.

The Aftermath Part 3

Have you ever had a moment where your heart suddenly lifts and and you're not quite sure you can contain it? Where you feel like it might burst and you're not even sure you can take the next step forward? That's what happened to me right before going on stage. And I must admit, those first few seconds face to face with the audience were panic stricken. I could feel that the look on my face was of more of the shocked variety than what it should have been. But it only lasted a moment. Indeed, those first few minutes on stage flew by and I have hardly any recollection of them at all.

Put on my mask (literally), pick up my frame, one step, one flip at a time...

Of course, the most important moment of the show for me is my number. That goes without saying. And the moment sneaks up rather quickly in the show. I'm lucky enough to have a five minute window where I can visualize my number beforehand. Then its one last whirlwind moment on stage, costume change, warm up and go. I don't know that I really needed a warm up last night though. I was so nervous, I felt like I was radiating heat.

I'd love to write some epic paragraph about how the number went. But there's no point. Despite it being their role, words will never do the moment justice. And so, I will simply say this: I fucking rocked it.

It was incredible. Yes, the number went well. The technique was well executed. But it was the audience. The audience! Everything I did, I did it for them and because of them. I was propelled by something much greater than myself. And then the applause... the applause! I have never been on the receiving end of anything like the thunderous roar that erupted from the public last night. I almost started crying. It was so moving, so beautiful... it was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life.

But the show wasn't over yet. We weren't even half way through. Out of breath and walking on air, I changed my costume and continued with the manipulations backstage and readied myself for the rest. The rest? It flew by. Flew by! It was sweat and anticipation, laughter and joy. It went so, so well.

People told me I set the stage on fire, that in my bazooka moment (you'd need to see the show to understand) I was absolutely hilarious. One of the few criticisms I received was that I was a little too femme fatale during my number for so and so's taste.

Me? A femme fatale?

Best flaw ever!

But now, its 6pm Friday evening. The premiere has come and gone and its already time to get ready for show number two. I'm still nervous. Maybe even more nervous than yesterday. Everyone keeps saying that the second night is harder, that with the fatigue and the release of the first night, we let down our guard.

Two and a half hours from now, the curtain goes up. Two hours after that, we'll have an answer.

The Aftermath Part 2

There is nervousness, and then there is sheer dread. We're talking verge of tears, unable to utter simple phrases and sitting in stunned, but trembling, silence.

That's where I was yesterday afternoon. I needed hugs. I needed love. I needed.

It occurred to me that this would be the first time in my entire life that I wouldn't have my family, my friends or my community by my side for an opening. I suddenly felt incredibly alone. Here I was on the biggest, most important moment of my career so far, and I hadn't heard heads nor tails from home.

An e-mail from my brother... one line... but the best line I have ever read in my life. But where were mum and dad?

Not hearing from my parents really hit hard. I wandered back to the kitchen to be around people. I just needed people. I didn't think I could really communicate with them, but apparently, the deer in the headlights look said it all. And that's when it started...

"Above all, go out there for your own pleasure. Have fun. Its all about enjoying yourself."

"Hey, come one, you're the World Champion!"

"It will be fine. No matter what happens, they will love you. All those people out there? 95% have no idea what they're looking at. If you make a mistake, they'll never know."

"This is a birth, no matter what, it will be beautiful. Whether its painful or easy, it will be beautiful."

"It will be magical. After all this time, effort, pain... it has to be. It can't be anything else. It will be magical."

But my favourite piece of advice came from a very dear friend of mine who has been with this company for perhaps 15 years. He told me that what he likes to do is take a moment, before anyone arrives, to sit in the public. Just to take a moment to be, and to be a part of this whole circus entity. I don't think I have ever taken a moment to go into the stands and look down on the stage. Earlier in the day, I went out on stage and looked out in to the seats. That's when a voice called down from the technical grid and said, "Yup, and its going to be full of 1000 people!"

Did I mention that the last show I was in sometimes only had 20 people in the audience?

Wanting to shake the fear that had been building, I went to sit in the stands. I had never seen the stage from that perspective. It helped, but not as much as the crying I did (on the shoulder of my same dear friend) a little later.

I put on my make up, I made many trips to the bathroom, I forced down some dinner. I still hadn't heard from my parents and I was slowly sinking into a terrible mood. I wasn't at all excited. And then, looking at the program, I was that I was credited as the "young girl in the wheel". My heart sank. I was not the young woman in the wheel, but the young girl. All that fighting over three months and in order to win, they put it in ink. I didn't even want to go on stage.

Now if you're thinking "that can't be a good way to start a show, let alone the first show of the tour!", you're right. The worst part is, I had no idea how to get out of that state of mind. The good news is I didn't need to know how. It turns out the circus gods wouldn't allow it.

The hugs started. The energy under the big top became tangible. Then, the crowd came in. They were electric. They were infectious. The show hadn't even started and they were cheering. My stomach is in knots just remembering it. Its supposed to be the artist that goes out and gives a gift to the audience. But they lifted me up and took me in their hands before they even saw me, eradicating the storm clouds in my heart. They gave me a gift.

The lights went down. The curtains parted. It was show time...

The Aftermath Part 1

It is Friday morning. The premiere has come and gone. There were so many moments yesterday where I wanted to write but couldn't sit still long enough to it. In the end, it was for the best. I needed to be "in the present" as one of my colleagues here often says.

I'm going to write about the day in different installments. Partly because I really feel like the day can be divided into different parts, but mostly because it will be really long otherwise.

Yesterday was a crazy roller coaster kind of day. I'm pretty sure I was in a state of shock upon waking up. For the better part of the morning, I don't think I felt anything at all. I don't mean I wasn't nervous. I mean I was completely numb. In case you're wondering, that is a bad place to be.

I think the better part of the morning was spent wandering around aimlessly. I did maybe 15 minutes of wheel to go over a couple of moves that had been giving me trouble in the two previous runs before continuing the aimless wandering. During brief moments, my eyes unglazed and I was able to see the circus around me. Its really a beautiful thing, this circus life. Where we are right now, though tiny and quiet, is beautiful and serene. We're surrounded by mountains, there are little forts looking down on us. The sun was shining, the grass tall and green, and the trees around us are all blossoming. The caravans, the dogs, the sounds of preparation... all these things make up the magical little world I'm now a part of. And I am a part of it. In that moment, I was overwhelmed by just how amazing it is for me to be here, to be part of a troupe and part of a show. I'm in the feakin' circus!

It was after this moment of awe and wonderment that I slipped into the second phase of my premiere day...

What He Said...

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is the night. Wish my luck, wish me love, and most of all, wish me courage! And also, aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!