When I look back at the last five years, I barely recognize myself. I spent the better part of my twenties with this company, and as I prepare to leave them I'm staring down thirty. I've had an extremely difficult journey with them. I've experienced loss, humiliation, and heartache the likes of which I never could have imagined.
But during that time, I also traveled to 22 countries. I fell in love for the first time. I became the first Canadian to compete at the German Wheel World Championships and I obtained my coaching certification from the IRV. I'm also very proud to say that I received more good press than anyone else in the troupe.
Good and bad, it's almost over. I can't stop imagining a giant book about to slam shut. The good news is, a new book is on the way. I've just signed on to a tour in Switzerland that will last the better part of 2013. I can tell you that as someone who does a discipline that can be a pretty hard sell, this comes as a huge sigh of relief.
I can only hope better things lie ahead. Based on feedback from friends who have worked for this company before, I have nothing to worry about. And based on what I've heard about the show concept, it looks like my days of overly intellectual, image heavy, takes-itself-a-bit-too-seriously French contemporary circus are about to come to an end.
And I, for one, couldn't be happier about that.
Look out, Switzerland, here I come!
Showing posts with label career. Show all posts
Showing posts with label career. Show all posts
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Sinking Ship
It was a day like any other. I was going through my Facebook feed and catching up with the news friends and colleagues.
"We won the gold in Paris!"
"Big premiere in Moscow tonight!"
"Heading for Australia in a week!"
My heart sank and jealous feelings bubbled to the surface. Then, like a sledgehammer, it hit me: I have been with my company too long, my career has stagnated, my unhappiness is only increasing, and I've been in France for so long that no one even knows who I am anymore.
Shit.
When I started working for my company, I thought I had found the work environment I had always been looking for. But the more time that passed, the more the true nature of the company was revealed. Yes, most of the people are nice enough, but then why don't I feel like I can trust anyone I work with? Why don't I feel like I can go to anyone for support? Why do I feel like a victim* so much of the time, and like I need to keep my distance from so many people?
Just below the surface, there is something very wrong at a human level. C left because of it. And I know others who have/will as well. There are a number of people who really aren't that happy there but they stay because it's easy and because it's safe. Frankly, there are a few of people there (Associates, no less) who would be unable to work anywhere else. They aren't good enough at what they do and other companies wouldn't put up with it. As others in the company have stated "They were born under one hell of a lucky star."
And now, as the tour winds down and the Associates settle further into the twilight of their careers, some among them (sadly, those with the most influence) seem to be embracing their latent megalomaniac tendencies.
I am so worked up about this I can barely get any thoughts out. That's one of the reasons I've been putting off this post for so long. I just feel so angry so much of the time!
So I've decided to start letting go. Instead of feeling guilty about spending time alone while on tour, I've decided to focus on accepting the way I feel and that it's okay to feel that way, and start to focus on new projects. I guess that somewhere along the line part of my identity as an artist as well as my artistic worth got wrapped up in the identity and product of the company. But the things I want to share and express and the things the company wants to express never really were to be found on the same page, let alone the same book.
It's true that at one time I had hoped to stay on for the next show. But that was before I even really started and it was mostly out of fear and the desire for long term security. I knew fairly early on that I didn't want to continue past this show. And yet it's taken me close to four years to understand that leaving a job, or having a job end doesn't mean the end of everything else in my life.
For once in my life, my timing is perfect. This ship is sinking and it's time to go.
* This stems from a specific event that I have never written about. Maybe one day, when the tour is over, I will.
"We won the gold in Paris!"
"Big premiere in Moscow tonight!"
"Heading for Australia in a week!"
My heart sank and jealous feelings bubbled to the surface. Then, like a sledgehammer, it hit me: I have been with my company too long, my career has stagnated, my unhappiness is only increasing, and I've been in France for so long that no one even knows who I am anymore.
Shit.
When I started working for my company, I thought I had found the work environment I had always been looking for. But the more time that passed, the more the true nature of the company was revealed. Yes, most of the people are nice enough, but then why don't I feel like I can trust anyone I work with? Why don't I feel like I can go to anyone for support? Why do I feel like a victim* so much of the time, and like I need to keep my distance from so many people?
Just below the surface, there is something very wrong at a human level. C left because of it. And I know others who have/will as well. There are a number of people who really aren't that happy there but they stay because it's easy and because it's safe. Frankly, there are a few of people there (Associates, no less) who would be unable to work anywhere else. They aren't good enough at what they do and other companies wouldn't put up with it. As others in the company have stated "They were born under one hell of a lucky star."
And now, as the tour winds down and the Associates settle further into the twilight of their careers, some among them (sadly, those with the most influence) seem to be embracing their latent megalomaniac tendencies.
I am so worked up about this I can barely get any thoughts out. That's one of the reasons I've been putting off this post for so long. I just feel so angry so much of the time!
So I've decided to start letting go. Instead of feeling guilty about spending time alone while on tour, I've decided to focus on accepting the way I feel and that it's okay to feel that way, and start to focus on new projects. I guess that somewhere along the line part of my identity as an artist as well as my artistic worth got wrapped up in the identity and product of the company. But the things I want to share and express and the things the company wants to express never really were to be found on the same page, let alone the same book.
It's true that at one time I had hoped to stay on for the next show. But that was before I even really started and it was mostly out of fear and the desire for long term security. I knew fairly early on that I didn't want to continue past this show. And yet it's taken me close to four years to understand that leaving a job, or having a job end doesn't mean the end of everything else in my life.
For once in my life, my timing is perfect. This ship is sinking and it's time to go.
* This stems from a specific event that I have never written about. Maybe one day, when the tour is over, I will.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
24hrs
The last 24 hours have been a pretty wild ride on the old circus wagon in my mind. I've been stressed about future employment, future adventures, and how virtually no decisions could be made about employment or adventures (especially adventures) until I got confirmation from this, that, or the other.
Well, last night I got some confirmation.
I had applied for the Festival Montreal Completement Cirque as one of the artists for their outdoor shows. They were looking for original acts that could be integrated into an urban setting and performed in the streets. To me, German wheel seems an obvious choice and a perfect fit! I mean, look!
Clearly, the folks at MCC did not agree with me and I was rejected.
I'm not going to lie. It hurt. I don't know what it is, but for some reason I just feel like I can't make it in my home town! And seeing as my home town is kind of a big deal in the world of circus, it makes me wonder if I've really got the chops for this line of work...
This morning I got another e-mail from MCC. "What's that?" you say, "They realized that you would in fact be awesome for the festival and are giving you the job?"
Hahaha!
No.
They were sending out a mass e-mail saying they're still looking for acts.
Way to pour salt on the wounds, MCC!
As I made the four hour return trek to the school to go train, I really had to ask myself "Do I still want to be doing this?" That may seem melodramatic after one rejection, but it's actually the third time in the past little while. But those other two (also from Montreal) were not in the last 24 hours, so I won't go into further detail.
I trained, I hurt, I came home. In my inbox was an application request for the Newcomer show in Leipzig. It's a festival that offers artists the opportunity to get a foot in the door of the German Variete scene. Hm. My time with my company is coming to an end, and I would love to work in a German Variete...
Just below that particular e-mail was an offer from a company right here in Montreal! One of the companies that had recently looked me over on a different project! And for once, I was actually available for the dates they needed! There is a small hitch, of course. I will have to fly in from Europe in order to do the gig. But it's a huge opportunity! I feel like the Montreal scene has forgotten me and this would allow an influential home town company to see how I work, as well as provide a vehicle to showcase my work to a bigger market!
The only thing in all of the above that I can confirm 100% are my feelings of being overwhelmed and full of hope. I really want this gig and I am so scared that my having to come in from Europe will screw it all up.
All of this keeps bringing me back to a pearl of wisdom I once heard. How you'll go for long spells with nothing and then suddenly, a whole bunch of offers will fall in your lap all at once, so much so that you may even have to turn some of them down.
After working professionally for six years I was beginning doubt the verity of that claim. And while I'm not exactly turning down contracts, it certainly is a lot of work related stuff to fall into my lap in the span of 24 hours.
The last time I had this many circus related events occur in such a short period of time, I realized that I wanted to be in the circus and set that dream in motion. One can only hope that history is about to repeat itself.
Well, last night I got some confirmation.
I had applied for the Festival Montreal Completement Cirque as one of the artists for their outdoor shows. They were looking for original acts that could be integrated into an urban setting and performed in the streets. To me, German wheel seems an obvious choice and a perfect fit! I mean, look!
Clearly, the folks at MCC did not agree with me and I was rejected.
I'm not going to lie. It hurt. I don't know what it is, but for some reason I just feel like I can't make it in my home town! And seeing as my home town is kind of a big deal in the world of circus, it makes me wonder if I've really got the chops for this line of work...
This morning I got another e-mail from MCC. "What's that?" you say, "They realized that you would in fact be awesome for the festival and are giving you the job?"
Hahaha!
No.
They were sending out a mass e-mail saying they're still looking for acts.
Way to pour salt on the wounds, MCC!
As I made the four hour return trek to the school to go train, I really had to ask myself "Do I still want to be doing this?" That may seem melodramatic after one rejection, but it's actually the third time in the past little while. But those other two (also from Montreal) were not in the last 24 hours, so I won't go into further detail.
I trained, I hurt, I came home. In my inbox was an application request for the Newcomer show in Leipzig. It's a festival that offers artists the opportunity to get a foot in the door of the German Variete scene. Hm. My time with my company is coming to an end, and I would love to work in a German Variete...
Just below that particular e-mail was an offer from a company right here in Montreal! One of the companies that had recently looked me over on a different project! And for once, I was actually available for the dates they needed! There is a small hitch, of course. I will have to fly in from Europe in order to do the gig. But it's a huge opportunity! I feel like the Montreal scene has forgotten me and this would allow an influential home town company to see how I work, as well as provide a vehicle to showcase my work to a bigger market!
The only thing in all of the above that I can confirm 100% are my feelings of being overwhelmed and full of hope. I really want this gig and I am so scared that my having to come in from Europe will screw it all up.
All of this keeps bringing me back to a pearl of wisdom I once heard. How you'll go for long spells with nothing and then suddenly, a whole bunch of offers will fall in your lap all at once, so much so that you may even have to turn some of them down.
After working professionally for six years I was beginning doubt the verity of that claim. And while I'm not exactly turning down contracts, it certainly is a lot of work related stuff to fall into my lap in the span of 24 hours.
The last time I had this many circus related events occur in such a short period of time, I realized that I wanted to be in the circus and set that dream in motion. One can only hope that history is about to repeat itself.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Uh-Oh Moment
I'm sure you've heard of an "aha!" moment. It's a moment of clarity, a defining moment where you gain real, life-changing wisdom.
Sounds pretty good, no?
I would very much like to tell you that I had an "aha!" moment. Unfortunately, my monikered moment was the "aha!" moment's unwelcome cousin: the "uh-oh" moment.
It isn't news that I'm not terribly happy at the company I'm currently working for. I know I've mentioned it before and there will soon be a post on their latest rage inducing actions. But I've always maintained that it's worth sticking it out. There are some really great benefits to this contract, benefits I will unlikely prosper from again and should therefore prosper from for as long as I can. While not working much bothers me, we do receive unemployment pay when we're in between dates. There is only a year left on my contract (or maybe not, but that's another post), and it's worth having that extra income coming in.
But what does that have to do with my "uh-oh" moment?
I was browsing my Facebook feed and kept reading about the circus exploits of friends and colleagues. People performing in Moscow, winning festivals, landing jobs with awesome companies... Then suddenly, it hit me.
My career has stagnated and it's because I have stayed with this company for so long. I need to get out.
When I first got hired I was super stoked by the idea of having four years of job security. But seeing as my company doesn't work too much and mostly sticks to France, I feel as though I have fallen into obscurity. Even though we don't work often (in my opinion anyway), somehow there has always been an overlap in dates whenever other work possibilities have come. As a result, there's really only that one gig on my CV from 2009 to present.
I don't want to go back in March and recent events have only intensified that feeling. At this point, there's so little time left it's not even worth leaving. By the time they found and trained a replacement for me, the tour would be over. It took eight months from the time C announced that she wanted to leave and the time her replacement started. And the way things are going, we could just as easily finish in August as December.
I've started taking steps to get on new projects. I just hope they work out, and that I'm not jumping ship too late.
Sounds pretty good, no?
I would very much like to tell you that I had an "aha!" moment. Unfortunately, my monikered moment was the "aha!" moment's unwelcome cousin: the "uh-oh" moment.
It isn't news that I'm not terribly happy at the company I'm currently working for. I know I've mentioned it before and there will soon be a post on their latest rage inducing actions. But I've always maintained that it's worth sticking it out. There are some really great benefits to this contract, benefits I will unlikely prosper from again and should therefore prosper from for as long as I can. While not working much bothers me, we do receive unemployment pay when we're in between dates. There is only a year left on my contract (or maybe not, but that's another post), and it's worth having that extra income coming in.
But what does that have to do with my "uh-oh" moment?
I was browsing my Facebook feed and kept reading about the circus exploits of friends and colleagues. People performing in Moscow, winning festivals, landing jobs with awesome companies... Then suddenly, it hit me.
My career has stagnated and it's because I have stayed with this company for so long. I need to get out.
When I first got hired I was super stoked by the idea of having four years of job security. But seeing as my company doesn't work too much and mostly sticks to France, I feel as though I have fallen into obscurity. Even though we don't work often (in my opinion anyway), somehow there has always been an overlap in dates whenever other work possibilities have come. As a result, there's really only that one gig on my CV from 2009 to present.
I don't want to go back in March and recent events have only intensified that feeling. At this point, there's so little time left it's not even worth leaving. By the time they found and trained a replacement for me, the tour would be over. It took eight months from the time C announced that she wanted to leave and the time her replacement started. And the way things are going, we could just as easily finish in August as December.
I've started taking steps to get on new projects. I just hope they work out, and that I'm not jumping ship too late.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
