The Sinking Ship

It was a day like any other. I was going through my Facebook feed and catching up with the news friends and colleagues.

"We won the gold in Paris!"

"Big premiere in Moscow tonight!"

"Heading for Australia in a week!"

My heart sank and jealous feelings bubbled to the surface. Then, like a sledgehammer, it hit me: I have been with my company too long, my career has stagnated, my unhappiness is only increasing, and I've been in France for so long that no one even knows who I am anymore.

Shit.

When I started working for my company, I thought I had found the work environment I had always been looking for. But the more time that passed, the more the true nature of the company was revealed. Yes, most of the people are nice enough, but then why don't I feel like I can trust anyone I work with? Why don't I feel like I can go to anyone for support? Why do I feel like a victim* so much of the time, and like I need to keep my distance from so many people?

Just below the surface, there is something very wrong at a human level. C left because of it. And I know others who have/will as well. There are a number of people who really aren't that happy there but they stay because it's easy and because it's safe. Frankly, there are a few of people there (Associates, no less) who would be unable to work anywhere else. They aren't good enough at what they do and other companies wouldn't put up with it. As others in the company have stated "They were born under one hell of a lucky star."

And now, as the tour winds down and the Associates settle further into the twilight of their careers, some among them (sadly, those with the most influence) seem to be embracing their latent megalomaniac tendencies.

I am so worked up about this I can barely get any thoughts out. That's one of the reasons I've been putting off this post for so long. I just feel so angry so much of the time!

So I've decided to start letting go. Instead of feeling guilty about spending time alone while on tour, I've decided to focus on accepting the way I feel and that it's okay to feel that way, and start to focus on new projects. I guess that somewhere along the line part of my identity as an artist as well as my artistic worth got wrapped up in the identity and product of the company. But the things I want to share and express and the things the company wants to express never really were to be found on the same page, let alone the same book.

It's true that at one time I had hoped to stay on for the next show. But that was before I even really started and it was mostly out of fear and the desire for long term security. I knew fairly early on that I didn't want to continue past this show. And yet it's taken me close to four years to understand that leaving a job, or having a job end doesn't mean the end of everything else in my life.

For once in my life, my timing is perfect. This ship is sinking and it's time to go.



* This stems from a specific event that I have never written about. Maybe one day, when the tour is over, I will.