False Evidence Appearing Real

While in my mind Elbeuf came to a gentle end and that was that, it turns out it left more of a mark on me than I had imagined. In the middle of the run, I had a bit of a fall in my number, you see, and while I did the rest of the shows no problemo, it seems that there was some lurking damage done.

Unlike every other city we've been to, I arrived in Lannion late. Normally, I get there in time to get settled in, assemble my wheel and prepare for the run through the following day. This time, I took advantage of a road trip opportunity and drove up with a friend from the troupe. It took us 14 hours to get there. This was by no means problematic. It didn't feel that long at all. It did mean arriving at 2:30am and not having a chance to set up.

To add to the confusion, the new sound console wouldn't accept the program from the old sound console. So instead of the balance happening in the morning, the magic number was rehearsed. This made it impossible to set up in the morning because the entire stage is in use and the in total darkness. The balance was pushed into the afternoon and while I could set up my wheel at that time, I couldn't train because in the end, the sound console chose not to cooperate and all the levels needed to be redone.

I figured "no biggie" and did a simplified version of my act for the run through thinking I'd train the following day. For the most part, the plan went off without a hitch. I went through all the technique in order and in good time. Then, when the time came to do my last line, the line I fell on, I panicked.

I more than panicked. I could not do it.

I called a friend over to stand there for mental support. That usually works. But not this time. The fear is so strong that as I prepare to do the move, I am shaking. When I jump into position, my body goes slack and I give up. I hyperventilate. I cry.

After a very long time, I manage to do the move. It isn't pretty, it burns the backs of my knees, but I feel okay about.

The night of the premiere, I prepare for the line. I know I am going to do it. Many times, I will know before hand whether or not I'll go through with it. There is no doubt this time. But when I go to do the move, the wheel rocks from side to side. This is exactly what happened the time I fell. Only the time where I fell, I froze and that's why I got hurt. This time, survival instincts kicked in and I jumped.

I was in total shock. I expected it to work. Off stage, I started crying and cried for a good part of the show. To say that I had lost all confidence would be an understatement. And worse than being afraid, for the first time in my life, I was ashamed of being afraid.

I trained again the next day and had some treatments* done to help with my fear. The treatments, while bringing up a lot of other buried woes, helped quite a lot. Every night was a bit of a struggle, but with each performance, my confidence grew.

I'm looking forward to getting back to Montreal so that I can train properly. I don't really have the opportunity to train while in France because there's so little time during shows, and between cities, I have no wheel and no training space. I think a serious bout of training this summer will do me a world of good.

Of course, I just need to get back to Montreal... sigh...




* The treatments in question are energy based and of Egyptian origin. Think reiki, but not.