Ghosts

I thought today marked my third week in France. But after a quick calendar check, I realized I’ve only been here for two. Wow, this is going slowly.

I know that for most this would be an amazing thing to have happen. The dates of the show have been pushed back? I get an extra month in France to just hang out in Paris? AWESOME. For most, that would be the case. But not for me. I’m tired of this country and the attitude of many of the people here. I’m tired of the rudeness and feeling crushed by the sheer number of people. I’m tired of living out of a suitcase for no good reason, and most of all, I’m tired of twiddling my thumbs waiting to do the work I’ve been hired to do.

I’m done. I’ve been done for a while, but now, being on site at an essentially abandoned circus makes me see just how done I am. Our tent is set up next to a magnificent white tent. To look at the two, ours is a filthy beast in comparison. There are caravans with missing tires (I’m told they’re being changed), the kitchen is infested with mites and is full of leaks, causing food to rot. Last night, the microwave exploded. This place is just falling apart.

I’ve reached a point where the littlest things set me off, things that really shouldn’t bother me that much. I get unreasonably angry when I think back to the creation of this show, or how things have progressed and are run. Exchanges with certain people have left me hurt, some deeply so, and those wounds seem to be opening up again.

I’m not looking forward to the arrival of the troupe, even if it means that things will finally advance and bring this thing to a close. Because even though I need this chapter to end, I’m terrified of it ending. I’m afraid of what lies ahead as the contract I’m negotiating has hit a snag and I’ve not heard back from them in three days. Even though I know there are few people here that I will truly miss, it hurts me to think that in all likelihood, no one will miss me. And when I think of the one person I will miss more than anything, the person who has changed me and helped me grow and is someone I love very, very dearly, I’m reduced to a blubbering heap in the corner. Because of a delightfully stupid set of circumstances, it is more than likely that I will never see or hear from him again.

The idea of saying goodbye forever haunts me, and I feel like I see ghosts of him and of times shared around every corner. I try to look at that as a gift. That even though, for the most part, this contract has been very challenging for me, I have one wonderful thing that makes saying goodbye so hard. But the truth is it breaks my heart to think that very soon I will have to turn my back on that part of my life, and what has been the best and most difficult part of my journey with this circus.

The drama, heartache, inadequacy, ill-ease, loneliness, jealousy, bitterness, despair… all the trials of the last five years are coming out of the woodwork for one last hurrah. And I don’t know how to make it stop.