The Fear

I am utterly exhausted. I knew I was spoiled rotten at my old job, but holy moly this is hard. The circus never stops. Right now it feels like all I do is get up, eat, do a show, eat, do another show, tear down, eat, and go to bed. If I'm lucky there's a shower in there some place too.

On the day of the fourth show, our seventh day of work in a row, I thought my arms would fall off and my legs would give out. It wasn't even that I was sore, I just had no energy, no strength, no nothing. My temper is short and my mood is a little grim. I have never been so tired on every conceivable level in my life.

Not only is it only the beginning, but there are eight months of this ahead. And I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to make it. Am I strong enough? Stable enough? Fit enough? Will I crack under the pressure? Will the strain of it all wear me down to a nub?

Right now, I don't know. Right now, it feels like I won't be able to. In the end, I don't really have a choice in the matter. We're all in this together and without every single person here, it won't work.

If you need me, I'll be whimpering in the corner while I wait for my body to toughen up and adapt to this harsh new circus reality.