Then and Now

Not too long ago I read some of the early posts from this blog. I wanted to compare this creation to the creation with my previous company. I read about the premiere of that show and how nervous I was. It would seem I spent most of that day wandering around in a panic, trying not to cry and/or vomit.

Super.

Fast forward to this show's premiere. I felt pretty calm for most of the day. By that point, we had run the show every night that week so in some ways, it didn't feel like a premiere so much as the fifth show of the week. Of course when it was time to roll on out, I'm pretty sure I had that look of grim determination that you might have on your way to the gallows. There was tension and an underlying nervousness, sure, but also the steely calmness that comes with resolve. And once I got out there? It felt like I was simultaneously sharing a secret and giving a gift (to myself and the audience). It was wonderful.

Afterward, two things came to mind. My very first wheel presentation in the first year of circus school, and my performance at the closing ceremonies of the winter Olympics in Torino.

My first ever wheel presentation was perhaps 45 seconds long and I was so incredibly nervous (terrified) that my face was a deep dark red. I'm pretty sure I held my breath the entire time.

At the Olympics, I was still pretty deliriously nervous. I mean, we're talking performing in front of 30 000 people! But what most struck me is how I was barely aware of what happened. It all went by so fast that I couldn't appreciate what was going on and really experience the moment. Afterward, I remember wishing I was more experienced as an artist so that I could have been more present.

Upon leaving the stage the night of the premiere, I could feel the last ten years under my feet. While I still have nerves, they didn't overwhelm and control me. And as for being in the moment, I feel like I can still see individual faces of the public in my mind, and reconnect with that joy I felt while on stage.

It's an incredible thing to be able to see the arc of your own growth and connect the dots between then and now. There are 246 shows to be done in the next 8 months. I can only imagine where I'll be by then.