What Are You Doing?

Have a safe and happy New Year, everyone!

I Won!

I won! I actually won! True, it’s a symbolic victory, but a win is a win and there’s still a prize! So… I win!

You see, the state of the stage at the moment can only be described as pathetic. It should be black, but it’s currently more of a whitish grey. Except for the parts that have been scrubbed raw and show bare wood. Aesthetically, it’s disheartening. But considering that the underside of the canvas is filthy and covered footprints, and there are paper petals littering the ground before the bleachers, you really can’t hope for the argument of attractiveness to count for very much.

Because we use so much paint throughout the show, the stage gets a good scrubbing every night and in the year and a half since it was last painted, it has been polished to a smooth and slippery finish. What’s worrisome about the stage in this state (for me more than anyone else, with the exception of A, though to a lesser degree) is that it becomes very unpredictable. As a result, there is one figure in my act that becomes dangerous for me, the musicians, and even the public.

It’s called a High Speed Spiral and involves pushing off the floor during a regular spiral. By pushing off the floor, I pick up a lot of speed very quickly and the circle becomes very big and is maintained at a pretty sharp angle. When the floor has good bite, no worries. When it’s slippery like it is now, the wheel can slide out from under itself at any moment and with no warning whatsoever. Because I’m going so fast, I can easily slide three meters. And depending where I am on stage when that happens, I can take out the musicians, or fall off the stage into the public.

I slid once (right before the stage was last painted) and it scared the Directors enough that they acted. I’d been warning them of the danger of sliding for ages (the worry then had been paint or water on stage) but they never took me seriously until they saw it happen. Fortunately, nothing serious happened that time.

But back to the story at hand.

Recently I’ve noticed that the stage slides in some places and not others. But most worrisome is the feeling that, during the High Speed Spiral, I’m actually fighting against the wheel to keep it in control. I’ve felt that it wants to slide out from under me, and it’s a scary feeling to try and maintain control over a huge object that is bigger and heavier than you are, and also traveling at high speed at a precarious angle.

So I spoke with the head technician to see if he would speak to the technical director about repainting the stage. We both laughed and agreed that the answer would probably be no. These days, the company doesn’t seem to want to invest another dime in this show. Let alone a hundred bucks on floor paint. That can wait for the new show.

Seeing as the title of this post announced victory, you’ve probably guessed that the answer was, in fact, yes. The floor will be painted in a week. But I can’t help but think that the thing that tipped the scale in the favour of immediate action was the extended extensions of the show in this city. Normally, the weekend is only two days long, but for the next set of prolongations (we’re already in the first set), we’ll only be doing three shows a week. That leaves just enough time for sanding, painting, and drying. Were it not for those few extra days, there’s no way they would have agreed to paint the stage. It would have been too much of a pain to set everything up for something as trivial as a paint job.

But in the end, none of that matters! In just one more week of shows, I’ll have a newly painted floor to scuff up! Hooray!

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'...

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

I was having trouble finding the right holiday greeting when les 7 doigts de la main came to the rescue!

So if you celebrate it, Merry Christmas! And if you don't, may the holiday season bring you much good cheer!

Take it away, Fingers!

Drumroll Please...

The 2011 baby boom at the circus has come to a close with the arrival of little M on December 21st. And as predicted, it's a boy!

Congratulations to N and S!

A Call For Christmas

Christmas is just around the corner and as a Canadian, it doesn't feel like Christmas to me unless everything is covered in a blanket of white.

Well, my friend S has the right idea and has decided to play a game of chicken with the circus gods in order to get Christmas done right.

Circus artists of the world, let us all unite with this as our battle cry!

"No snow, no show."

And if you don't want any snow where you are, feel free to send it my way and everybody wins.

Merry Christmas!

Like A Boss

So It Is

Waiting in the pitch black for B to pass by so I could make my way into the wings, I turned to the bass player and asked him if he needed a Kleenex (the poor guy was sniffling up a storm). Suddenly I’m on my knees in immense pain, little green lights popping in and out of focus in front of me.

When I turned to the bass player he turned toward me too and damn near gouged my eye out. He later said it was just his pinkie finger, but his pinkie finger is as big as my index finger. I finished the rest of the show with one squinty, watery eye and, nearly 24 hours later, my eye still aches.

I guess mom was right. It really is all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

Um… Thanks?

I was walking around the back of the tent to use the artists’ entrance before the show when this well dressed lady (who had no business being there, I might add) stops me and says with an approving nod: “Il a de la geule, votre chapiteau.”

Loosely translated, that means something along the lines of “Yer tent’s got chops.”

Good to know.

Overheard in the Kitchen

“Are there any more auditions this week?”

“Yes, there’s one tomorrow.”

“Is it going to be like the others, or is this one actually worth going to?”

Ouch...

The Green Eyed Monster

I am many things, and I like to believe that one of those things is honest. Sometimes I don’t quite get there, but if there’s any hope of me getting through the closing days of this show’s life, I need to be honest with myself.

I think I’ve been over the feelings of being cast aside. It’s hard not to feel that way when the musicians, sure of where their paycheques will be coming from for the next couple of years, smile brightly as though nothing is amiss. Meanwhile, the rest of us gnaw off our fingernails while the parade of new comers audition. The Associates, who for so long touted us as being some kind of family, no longer seem to be able to spare us a second glance.

All of that hurts. All of that, and many other complicated, bitter feelings and past slights have added up to a knot of unhappiness in my heart. As much as I know I need to move on from here, I can’t help but want to hold on. I recognize that it’s because staying here would be easy and safe. But I would be miserable. Fine. I can reconcile that. But then there’s the jealousy…

I’ve had friends audition for the next show. Other acquaintances have been tapped as well. One friend who auditioned has hinted how his girlfriend is free and amazing and maybe there’s a spot for her too? The company seems open to that possibility. His girlfriend is also a friend (and she really is amazing), and it makes me so angry to think that a person can get a job, without even auditioning, because their significant other pulled some strings.

I know her career path. I think she’s worked almost non-stop since we graduated. It took me two years to find work after finishing circus school and I am terrified to go through that again. It makes me angry that it seems so easy for some people. I doubt my worth, I gnash my teeth, and yes, I am jealous.

I’m not proud of it. I’m really not. Of course I want the best for my friends but it just feels like that final nail in the coffin to think that a friend is replacing you. I know it should probably be the opposite. That I should feel relieved that someone I know and love will carry on in my place. But the faceless stranger hurts less. I know it isn’t the case at all, but it feels kind of like a betrayal. What kind of friend takes your job?

The more I talk with the others and the more whispered conversations I happen to overhear, the more I realize that I’m not the only one feeling this way. It’s a small comfort, but it’s comfort none the less. At the very least, I know I’m not over exaggerating and that absolutely everyone here, even a lot of the people who will be staying on, find this entire process disrespectful, painful and unpleasant.

I’m afraid I can’t write anymore. I have another audition to sit through…

Then Came the Whispers

As you can no doubt imagine, all the auditions plus talk of the new show has lead to all kinds of speculation. As far as I know, the next show my company puts on is supposed to be some kind of homage to themselves and their 30 year history. What’s interesting about this is that they did a ‘best of’ two shows ago. What’s even more interesting is a certain theory going around…

One of my fellow acrobats has stated that changing out such a large portion of the troupe isn’t just about needing different acts for the show. Word on the street is that the director is essentially out of ideas and needs to steal some from some outside source. He needs new people because clearly, he’s sapped all the current people of any ideas they could possibly have. So goes the theory.

Now, I know that the director has a short memory when it comes to who came up with what. And I know from experience that in the end, he tends to take more credit than is due, sometimes forgetting where some of the more brilliant ideas actually come from (the lighting designer, for example). But as much resentment as I’m feeling these days, I couldn’t help but find the suggestion that he needed to hire new people to steal their ideas a little harsh.

Then I had a chat with one of the musicians.

He’s been around for quite some time and his assessment of the whole thing is that the director is treading water somewhere in the middle of the ocean. Apparently the director keeps saying how this new show is really going to rock it (this one, it would seem, did not), but then keeps dusting off all this old crap from past shows. I know the musicians aren’t too impressed at the moment because it’s a lot of rehashing of ‘object music’, where they play tin pots and so forth. Other than that and actually re-doing old acts, he seems to have nothing.

Which is why our show may be prolonged until December 2012 instead of June 2012. To quote the director: “Yeah it would be great, and of course it suits me better.”

UPDATE: Yeah, you know the whole 'different acts' theory? They just auditioned a rebound juggler and I believe he has been hired. There is a rebound juggling act in the current show. So much for that theory.

Overheard On-stage

“It’s huge!”

“It’s a nuclear butterfly!”

Respect

A friend of mine was asked to audition for this company and declined. I am very proud of him for saying no.

The reason I am proud of him comes from a conversation I had with the director not too long ago. In a nutshell, he was going on and on about how wonderful my friend is (which is true) and said how he would like for him to audition. The director then added that he had absolutely no intention of hiring my friend as there was no need for a rope act in the new show, but you know, maybe for the next show… Three or four years from now.

Considering the director forgot my name after I’ve worked with him for four years, I’m not sure that in three years he’ll remember ever having seen my friend, let alone be holding a place for him in a show that’s barely even a concept.

I know the director thinks his company is a big deal, but it is arrogant beyond words and completely disrespectful to a hard working artist to waste their time having them audition for something when the person conducting the audition knows full well there is no job possibility waiting.

It costs money to get to an audition. I should know. I flew to France from Canada to audition for this company. In the end, I had to buy a second plane ticket because the first airline wouldn’t accept my wheel. But at least I got hired. My friend? You don’t waste someone’s time and money like that. You don’t give someone false hope like that. And knowing how this company works, I’m amazed they even bothered mentioning that they had no intention of hiring him.

The longer I’m here, the more I see the lack of respect this company has toward its employees. In the beginning, there were some things that I thought were just quirks. But the longer I’ve been here, the more I see how messed up things are here and how in any other work environment, none of this shit would fly.

I don’t doubt that there are other companies that are much worse. Really, the overall conditions are quite good here. If you were to look in for a short period you might even think it’s perfect. But on a human level, there’s something seriously wrong lurking just below the surface. No matter how happy and shiny people look, private conversations reveal otherwise. And in the end, I think a lot of it comes down to respect. And if you aren’t one of the Associates, you’re probably not going to see a lot it.

Babies!

In my circus’ history, 2011 will be known for its baby boom. Yes, this Year of the Baby will have seen six babies born to the troupe. Six! With the artists, technicians, musicians and other assorted troupe folk, we’re maybe twenty people. That’s a lot of babies all at once for such a small group, especially when some people are past the baby bearing stage. Okay, there was one set of twins… but still.

Six babies!

That’s a lot of babies.

And now that I think of it, they alternated girl/boy. Even the twins. There’s one baby left to round out the six, and based on the trend that I only just noticed, I predict it will be a boy.

Bring on number six!

Don't Try This at Home

Or, you know, do.


Aerialist Seanna Sharpe 285 Feet Over The Williamsburg Bridge from Ronen V on Vimeo.

The aftermath is my favourite...

A Family Affair

The other night in the kitchen I was chatting with L, the woman who used to do the trampoline and hand-to-hand acts before she went on maternity leave. She gave birth a couple of months ago and I asked her if she planned on coming back on the show. The finer details are her own business but she did said one thing that really hit me hard:

“[The company] thinks it would just be work for them. They don’t care about this show anymore. They’re already on the new show.”

I found that painful to hear and I know it must be worse for L. She did two shows with this company and frankly, did more than any other acrobat in either show. She said that the director has essentially decided for her that she will not be getting her job in the show back. Heck, when she was still trying to get pregnant he told it would be easier if she just quit outright so they could replace her more easily. This was after three weeks of trying to find a replacement.

They go on and on about how they’re a family, but when you get down to it, they’re as much about the almighty dollar as any other company, circus or otherwise. And I suppose I should just be okay with that. Business is business, right? But when you’re hired for your humanity and sensibility, and then get thrown out with the dishwater because you’ve served your purpose, or because it’s easier not to have to deal with you anymore, that hurts.

I swear, for all their high-mindedness and flowery talk, they sure know how to make a person feel like shit.

I guess when they spoke of family I missed the dysfunctional part hidden in the fine print.

Let The Drummer Kick It

There’s been a veritable parade of replacements on this show (I’m waiting for the end of the tour to do the final tally) and the next one will be coming sooner than expected.

It was already planned that the drummer would miss the last week of shows in Lyon as he’s anticipating the birth of his first child. But now he’ll be leaving at the beginning of the month for an urgent, though not serious operation.

I know this show is about art, and that reproduction is a big theme in all that, but at this rate, less than half the troupe will have performed in every show of the run.

We’re keeping our fingers crossed for you, N.

Oh My...

The more auditions the circus holds, the more I question whether or not it’s normal to ask people to assist in the job hiring process of those who will be replacing them. It seems a little cruel, doesn’t it?

Anyway, today I got to sit through some pretty… special… auditions. And this isn’t just me being bitter and trying to make myself feel better. Oh no. Every single person in that tent, be it technician, acrobat, musician or kitchen staff, had a look of sheer WTF on their face when all was said and done. Most people were left speechless. Eyes were wide, cheeks were puffed out, and long, drawn out sighs could be heard from every direction.

The first guy did some kind of acrobatic monologue. It started with a lot of banging in the wings and was followed by some stylized falling down. Then there was the monologue. The text itself might have been good, but I couldn’t always make out what the guy was saying and he had a kind of one note delivery. The entire piece culminated with him stripping down to a Jesus t-shirt and walking into the audience to give someone a hug.

I have no idea what I was supposed to make of that.

Then came his ‘handstand’ number. It was maybe two minutes long, had no music, nothing to tie any of the movements together, and from what I could tell, no concept. There were one or two respectable figures, but he didn’t hold them very well and I wanted to scream at him to straighten his legs and point his damn toes.

Did I mention he’s the director’s nephew?

Ha! And the night before his audition he had the gall to sit in the kitchen with us after the show and decimate our work. Seriously, after a rant like that, to come to an audition so ill prepared and with so little substance… I’ve rarely seen such arrogance.

The second person to audition was a girl whom I would describe as a clown/manipulator of objects. Now she was well prepared. Everything from her costumes to her props were put together with obvious care and she had clearly put a lot of thought into what she was sharing with us.

The only thing is, I kind of felt like I was watching the end of year presentation of a clown student. She had an incredible amount of material to show us. Each act (there were many) had to have been at least eight minutes long. And I think that it if she were to trim it all down by about half, she might be onto something good. I feel that with some direction and further character development, she could really have something. But for now, it still seemed a bit lacking in precision and unfortunately, technique. Ripe with potential though she may be, she just doesn’t seem ready to be on such a big stage.

And this one goes to everyone who has auditioned so far: please stop spending so much time with your back to the audience. Also, on the occasions where you are facing the audience, could you perhaps look at us rather than the floor? Thank you.

It brings me great pain to say this, but so far, cyr wheel guy is the one to beat.

Loss

A dark cloud has fallen over the circus.

A week ago, a past member of the troupe and the ex-partner of one of the current staff suffered a brain aneurysm. The outcome didn’t look good and after a week of deliberation they decided it was time to let him go. Last night they unplugged the machines helping him to breathe and this morning he passed away.

The generational divide among the troupe is quite apparent today. Those who have been around for a decade or more deeply feel the loss. The rest of us can only drift uncomfortably through their private pain. We did not know him and those who did seem to have created their own impenetrable circle of grieving.

Individual members of the troupe have lost a loved one over the course of the tour, myself included. But for half the troupe to suddenly be in mourning is a strange and unsettling experience. All I can do today is keep my distance and let their wounds run clean.

And yet, even though I may not be a part of the collective grieving, I can’t help but find myself looking out at the dark grey sky and reflect on my own losses. Like it or not, a circus troupe is a living, breathing thing. Sometimes your feelings belong to more than just yourself, and sometimes, you take on more than what your own heart is bearing.

The candle has been lit, now all we can do is pay our respects.

History

I’m often asked is if there’s a history of circus in my family. To my knowledge the answer is no. I am, however, of Eastern European decent on both sides, so I can’t help but hope that if you were to look hard enough, there might just be some folks hanging from my family tree by their toes.

Though I may not have any relatives of the sawdust kicking variety, my family does have one claim to fame in the way of circus connections.

Back in the day, my dad’s side of the family used to hang out with the Wallendas.

I’m not too clear on the details other than that they stayed at my grandfather’s hotel back in the 50s or 60s. My family even went down to visit them down in Sarasota. Family lore has it that my grandfather invested in the Wallendas and then lost out big for some reason or other. Come to think of it, that might explain my grandfather’s dislike of my chosen career path…

All that’s left of that connection now are some signed photographs, the most wonderful of which is this one:

Is that the best family heirloom ever or what?

Tit for Tat

The other night, right before the bazooka number, I was about 10 cm away from accidentally kicking the drummer in the nuts.

The next night, just before we went on stage, he 'accidentally' elbowed me in the boob.

Justice, or a pre-emptive strike?

The battle goes on…