Thanking the Past

Wow.

I’ve been reading my old blog posts and reliving my last creation. Sometimes I’m disappointed that I didn’t go into more detail as I don’t really remember the big important thing I was alluding to. With so much distance, I now see just how abnormally difficult that creation was and that, quite frankly, that is not how a creation should be. But most interestingly, I see how much I’ve grown and just how much I learned from that tour.

The other day, in a fit of bitterness, I was thinking of how my time with that company was kind of a waste. Yes, I was able to put some money aside, but artistically, it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing, and that I gave up the better part of my twenties to a company that barely wanted circus in its circus show.

But now, reading old posts, especially those where I’m super defensive about my creative process and so forth and so on… I mean… wow. Wow.

In some respects, I feel like the opposite of what I thought then is now true. I see how I wanted to work then and look at how I work now and see that I’ve found much more efficient and effective ways to accomplish the same things. Also, I’m in much better shape, apparently. But at that time, I hadn’t been working for a few years so it was much more challenging to get through my number. That is no longer the case.

But what really knocks me on my ass, and makes me grateful in the begrudging way that only someone who has had what they stubbornly defended proven wrong can feel, is how their insistence I get out of my little wheel bubble has been ingrained and proven valuable. I resisted opening up so much, was so reluctant to include the musicians, found those placed looks out to the audience so forced… and now… all those things are second nature. Not only am I very much aware that I need to do it, but find myself thinking of how to best include an audience in the round (something new to me) and trying to make sure that everyone is given the focus at least once during my act.

If I needed any more convincing, I only need look back to the day we presented our acts here. The directors were so pleased and made a point of how I already include everyone in the audience and have a connection with them. That it’s perfect and that they don’t need to worry about me. That’s a pretty big deal.

The more I read, the more I find myself thinking "That's good advice, maybe I should try that now."

It's a funny thing to see how much you've grown from your old self, while simultaneously taking the advice your old self has to give.