The End

I don't know how many times I've sat down to write this, stared at the screen, and then closed the tab telling myself I'd come back to it another day. But I'm starting a new contract very soon and it doesn't seem right to begin a new adventure without tying off the loose ends of the last one.

The end just happened. Things were frustratingly ordinary the last few days. Equally frustrating was that the musicians would be playing at the party and so a good part of the troupe was busy with rehearsals for the last three days. And seeing as I was slated to make a cake for the party, that took up most of my Saturday. As a result, there was very little time to get in a last cup of tea the people I would miss most.

The second to last show was almost a disaster. And I am incredibly grateful that the near-disaster did not occur the day of the final show. It poured before the show. Rain like I have never seen. The tent has a tendency to leak around the masts, but that night, a giant puddle took up the middle of the stage. There was no way I could safely do my act. There were many backstage huddles, meetings and general "how the heck are we going to deal with this?" moments. In the end, luck was on our side, and though we had to delay a bit, the rain did stop and we were able to wipe up most of the water. There were still some puddles, but with caution and stupidity, I was able to bust out a good act.

And then, the last show...

It was a good show, I can say that. Just before going on stage, we all held hands and I thought to myself "This is the last time all of us will ever be together in the same place..." I am grateful that it didn't zip by in a flash. I felt I was able to appreciate it, savour it. My act went brilliantly. There were moments, here and there, that almost felt magical, but maybe that's just because I was hoping there would be. I think I did my best plongeon of the entire tour on trampo-wall that night. It was a really, really good show.

And then it was over. Just like that. The tear down seemed the same, if not a little more thorough. I kept waiting for some big, climactic moment worthy of the end, but none came. We had a party. We sang and danced together one last time. There were lots of hugs, lots of tears, and then I walked away.

I stepped into the cold, empty big top. A few lights were left on, but mostly it was dark. I wanted one last chance to walk that stage, those wings, to sit in the stands. And then I walked away.

I wanted to feel something. I wanted the Universe to make some kind of grand gesture to mirror the tension in my heart. But nothing happened. The sun rose, I got into a cab, and watched the big yellow tent vanish into the distance one last time.

In my mind, it's still there, set up on Circus Island. I keep thinking that I'm going back. That when I get on a plane in a few days, I will be going to France. That I will see my best friend again. That things will feel safe and familiar.

It always amazes me how in those big Life moments, the seconds pass so quickly that before you can even comprehend what just happened, you're already on the other side of the planet, waking up in your own bed, and entire chapter of your life is over forever.

I had an extremely challenging journey with my company. But it changed me, and I am a stronger, better person for it. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to go back. Right now, everything hurts too much. Perhaps one day. Or perhaps I'll just hold on to that last image on Circus Island...