Back to Square One

Upon arriving in Blagnac, I was really very surprised at how good I felt while doing my number. I tend to be nervous all the time, even if we've done at least 100 shows by now. I keep waiting for the day where I feel bored. Not because I want to be bored, but because more seasoned artist friends of mine have talked about this confident place where they need to find extra motivation to do a good number (I have the tricks) and I really hope to find myself there one day.

Well, I wasn't bored, but suddenly, I was good. And by good I mean grounded, anchored to the floor. I felt calm, at ease on stage, like it was easy to relate to the audience. I was smiling freely and felt quite aerienne while executing my technique. And considering I had just come back from a month-and-a-half long break, that didn't seem possible. But not only was it possible, but it lasted for at least a week.

Ease, comfort, joy. I suspect it had a lot to do with the La Trame treatment. But more on that in a later post.

Then the karma show struck.

From that point on, I was never able to get back on track. In fact, during one show, I had one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had on stage to date.

I was going to start my backwards spiral, just like always, only I missed the handle. I should mention that I start the backward spiral very close to the edge of the stage. By not actually starting/completing the move, I wobbled back and forth quite a lot, and was disoriented from expecting to go backwards but then finding myself upside down instead. Moreover, when you fail to properly start a backwards spiral, the wheel will sometimes bounce back up and send you forward. In this case, that would have meant off the stage and onto the audience.

I managed to stop the wheel before I was even fully inverted, caught my breath and kept going. But on the inside, I was shaking. When I got off stage and the adrenaline wore off, I started trembling and wound up sobbing into the arms of one of the technicians. It was of the utmost importance that I do some spirals after the show.

If I was off track before, well, now every show was a struggle. The good time feelings of the beginning of the run had evaporated and left nothing but anxiety. It's amazing to me... to be doing something for an entire year, over a hundred times and yet it remains so fragile. You wouldn't think it, but circus can be just as fragile as live theatre. It is a living, breathing thing.

So here I am, starting the second year of the tour and it's as though I need to relearn the entire number. I'm back at square one just trying to integrate it into my body. Really, it shouldn't surprise me. The circus is all about circles. All about cycles. And while it may be frustrating, in the end, it certainly is better than being bored.