Shift

My experiences with this company so far have pretty much taken all of my ideas and feelings towards circus and flipped them on their head. Being circus, that may actually be a good thing.

I've had a lot of firsts these past few days. The first performance of a new show, the first of potentially 400 performances, this is my first contract with a big company, and really, the first steps of my career! But more important are the 'firsts' I'm experiencing on an emotional level.

I'm an extremely nervous and worried person. I fret. I pace. Normally before a show, or just before my number, I'm a slight wreck. Already, this is the first time in my life where I don't need to run to use the bathroom before I go on stage. To me, that's huge. Even more exceptional, however, is the fact that I think I might actually learn to like this.

I mean, of course, I like this. I wouldn't have pursued this as a career if I didn't like it. But the fretting? The nervousness? The pacing? That all makes the performance side of circus a little less enjoyable. And I suppose there will always be some nervousness, but there's the kind that feels like excitement and the kind that feels like dread. I've always had a closer relationship with dread than excitement. But slowly, I think that's going to change. Each night during the bows, I look out into the audience and feel more and more at ease. I'm having more fun and slowly, I'm starting to perform for the sheer pleasure of it. On the one hand, that may seem selfish. But when an artist goes on stage for pleasure, for love, for passion and just has fun, all of those wonderful feelings are passed on to the audience. And that's a generous gift to give.

I also feel more and more addicted to the applause. And let me tell you, the French are incredibly generous with their applause. We're talking three or four bows generous. After a matinee, even. A matinee! At home, I often feel that we (the artists) linger on stage for too long and force the audience to clap. Here, I feel almost embarrassed because they won't stop. Its amazing.

Another personal change I'm noticing is that I'm much more gentle with myself. When my number goes poorly, I'm able to shake it off much more quickly than in the past. I take lessons from it and look towards tomorrow. It true, after night's two and three I was wondering if I could hack it. But after the Sunday show (which went brilliantly) it was a like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I can do this. There will be off nights, but in the end, there will likely be way more good nights.

I think part of this openness comes from the feeling that this tour is limitless. The other contracts I've had were short term and consisted of relatively few shows. Under those circumstances, you kind of feel like you need to bust out a perfect number. Preferably many of them. But now, I have three to four years of work ahead of me. New dates get added to the tour all the time. I suddenly feel like I'm free to let the number and my skills evolve as they will without having to worry so much about what I look like along the way.

I thought I was starting a new chapter in my life. But now, I think its more like a brand installment in a continuing series! Who knows what the following days (and months) will bring!